An Every Day Fight

It's been 11 months since I started CrossFit and decided to take control of my life, but that isn't where this journey began. That day was just when I decided to really start fighting for myself. When I decided to work hard, put myself first, and when realized that if I wanted to change I was going to have to make it happen. It wasn't something I could passively wish for and hope that one day things would get better. I knew from day one it was going to be tough and I would have to work harder than I'd ever worked for anything before and I knew that it was something I would have to fight for. Every day.

I wasn't just trying to look good in a bikini or lose a couple pounds, I was trying to save my life. I was terrified of how out of control things had gotten and was legitimately worried that if I didn't do something that I was headed down a road I wouldn't be able to turn back on. In the beginning it was that enormous number on the scale and the constant pain that kept me focused on making changes. It was the daily progress and constant positive feedback that kept me motivated. For the first time I was able to see results and feel like my efforts were worthwhile. I felt hopeful and hope was something I hadn't had in a long time.

Lately I haven't felt hopeful, or motivated, or like I'm making progress. I haven't felt proud of myself or like someone others should be proud of or inspired by. I have told myself several times that I never want to be the girl I was 11 months ago, but she was a lot more driven than I am now. She tried harder. She had a lot more to lose, in so many ways. She showed up and worked hard even when the task seemed impossible. She was eager and undaunted. She didn't want to give up. She was a fighter. I need to find her again. Even though I've come a long way from where started, I still have so far to go. I can't lose sight of my goals. I can't forget that I'm still fighting and that I have to fight every day. I can't blame anyone but myself or rationalize that my lack of progress is the result of anything more than a lack of focus and lackluster effort.

Me and Dad - CrossFit Athletes

I've been looking forward to my one year CrossFit anniversary almost since I started. I've thought about where I wanted to be after a  year and what I want to have accomplished. Overall I can look back and say that I've accomplished much more than I hoped for when I started, but more than that I have so much that I can be proud of. I'm proud of the progress I've made so far. I'm proud that I inspired my Dad to start CrossFit and that he is stronger and healthier now. I'm proud of my friend Jeanie who also started CrossFit at 62 and continued to change her life on her own even without CrossFit. She's lost over 80 pounds and has gotten rid of pain that has plagued her for years. My heart swells with pride for my small part in their journeys. It makes me feel like what I've done is worthwhile and has meaning beyond what it means for my life. I want to hold onto that feeling and not feel like a failure because I've made bad choices.

Jeanie and I

More than seeing a particular number on the scale or hitting a specific lift in competition, after a year of working hard I want to be happy with where I am. I want to look back without regret, without anything left on the table. I want to be a fighter and to feel strong and confident every day. I know that I can't be perfect and I know that I won't be on top of the world every day, but I want the good days to outweigh the bad. I need to remember that every day is a gift and every choice matters. I started this journey to save my life and not miss out on it anymore. I'm not working to add days to my life that aren't quality days full of hope and purpose. That kind of life is worth fighting for and I need to not forget how hard things were 11 months ago and how hard I fought to make it better. It doesn't have to be difficult, but it won't always be easy. I need to feel the struggle again and stop making the easier choice. I need to tell myself no more often. I need to be honest with myself and stop making excuses. This next month will be difficult and I look forward to fighting until I reach my goals.