Where I Was

...is not where I am now. And that's okay. At least it will be after I convince myself that it is. After I've told myself that it's okay enough times and I start to believe it. Until then, I'm faking okay, most days.

2013 Barbells for Boobs - Pink Bra Tour
Photo By Simple Times Photography

Except yesterday. Yesterday I was really okay. It was the first time in a really long time that I felt okay about everything. I didn't feel "less than" and I didn't feel awesome, but I didn't spend the whole workout frustrated because I had to scale everything or I couldn't do as much as I wanted to or I wasn't doing as much as everyone else was. I knew what I could do and I listened to my body when it got angry with me (most of the time) and I did my work. Did I push myself a little too hard and end up shaking on the floor when I got off the rowers? Unfortunately yes, but I was eventually able to get back up and feel good about the 98% of the time when I hadn't pushed myself too hard.

When I started CrossFit I didn't get frustrated as much as I do now. Starting from zero everything was up, all the time. I was scaling SO much more in the beginning but it didn't bother me like it has the past few months. I was able to shut out everything and everyone around me and just focus on my effort and the work in front of me. Almost everything I did was better than the last time I did it so I rarely felt down about what I was able to do - that's not where I am now. And it is okay. It has to be.

Where I was a year ago, even six months ago, is different in a lot of ways. I made choices over the last year that put me where I am now. I focused on weightlifting for several months. I took time off.  I got injured. I don't have the stamina or intensity or endurance that I had a year ago. I'll get it back, but I have to work at it really hard. Some days I can do more than others, but it's something I have to feel out one day at a time. One movement at a time. At the end of August when I was in Kansas City I snatched 103 pounds, solid. Tonight I had to pull back and only power snatch an empty bar and my hook grip felt painful and uncomfortable again. But my technique was good and as much as I wanted to put more weight on the bar I had accept that the bar was good enough. That the empty bar is my reality right now and it will just have to be all up from here again. From where I am now.