The MDUSA Open last May was effectively the beginning of what has been an exceedingly difficult part of this journey, but I honestly feel like in the long run I will be better for having made it through. That meet, as well as it went from a weightlifting standpoint, came with a crushing realization that I was at a breaking point. Physically, emotionally, financially - everything had just become too much. Don't get me wrong, I loved weightlifting as much then as I ever have, but it had gotten to a point where I was making myself miserable trying to make it work.
To say I was overtraining would be laughable to a real competitive weightlifter, but I realize now that my training volume was exceeding what I was personally able to recover from and I had basically failed to allow myself to succeed. I wasn't eating, sleeping, or really doing anything in the recovery field to the level I needed to make what I was doing in the gym beneficial. I didn't feel the good kind of endorphine-fueled exhaustion like I used to with CrossFit - just a soul-crushing, beat-down blend of debilitating soreness, exhaustion, and general malcontent. And I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I took a month off from weightlifting and CrossFit.
For the last year I felt like taking that month off ruined all the hard work I had done and I blamed that break on every subsequent set-back. I told myself, often, that if I had just been able to power through things would have gotten easier, I wouldn't have lost my conditioning, gained back most of the weight I lost in my first year, felt the need to overcompensate and "prove myself" only to push too hard and end up injured.
I fell on my face pretty hard this last year, but I can say that I truly believe it needed to happen. It definitely humbled me and forced me to deal with a number of issues that I had placed behind and beneath my perceived "need" to be validated and to appear stronger than I really was. The six months I spent away from the barbell have made me more aware of my motivations. The time I spent alone in the gym allowed me to appreciate those hours as nothing more than time I set aside to better myself and be active. It has helped me listen to my body and focus on my inner voice as a guide instead of letting the noise around me dictate how I feel about my effort or encourage me to exceed my limits in a destructive way.
I've been back in a group CrossFit class for three weeks now and I already notice major differences in the way I approach the work in front of me. I am truly okay with my monumentally scaled movements and I no longer feel weak because right now I'm performing at a 10th of the level I was capable of a year ago. I don't find myself glancing longingly at the rest of the class loading up their barbells and hitting snatches, clean & jerks, and squats and feeling a pit in my stomach because I can't join in on the fun. I feel the good kind of sore and exhausted at the end of my workouts. Most importantly, when the coach yells "Time!" I don't find myself frustrated, in pain, or in tears over something that should make me happy and feel good about myself. CrossFit is making me feel good again, even though the experience is not the same as it once was.
It might still be a long time before I'm able to lift heavy or compete again, but neither of those things are my primary goal anymore. They never really were. I have a lot of hard work ahead before I can focus on those auxiliary goals but I know if I decide that lifting competitively again is something I want, I will be able to get there one day. I'm choosing to focus on the good things I've gained out of this bump in the road and in doing so I'm able to realize that what I used to think was lost, never really went anywhere. Every experience leads me closer to where I want to be. I believe every gain - be it physical, mental, emotional - is a learning experience and when you learn something well enough it stays with you. Nothing is really lost for good. Except hopefully weight...next time around I hope every pound I lose stays gone!
I haven't taken many pictures lately because I was ashamed of my weight gain, but you can't change what you don't acknowledge (or some equally poignant Dr. Phil-ism). So here's a before shot to start another "Farewell to the 300s (forever this time)" effort.
