The first half of the movie had me laughing out loud, literally, then it's like all of the sudden I was hit by this crushing realization of how small my world was, but in the same instant the world seemed hopelessly and impossibly vast. It got to be a little too much and when emotions get too much they tend to seek escape through my tear ducts. It happens. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I am unapogetically sentimental and that I cry a lot. I find my sensitivity to be both a great strength in my capacity for compassion and empathy, but also a weakness in times when I'm sobbing uncontrollably in public.
Still in tears after we left the theater, I was hit by a need to make myself feel better. I'd gotten mired down in this funk and wanted out. I wanted comfort and to be consoled. There were several things I wanted to do after my sister walked me to the car and hugged my goodbye. The first was drive directly to the store and get ice cream, even though I was only 3 days in to my Whole 30 challenge and was doing great and knew how much worse I would feel after I did it. But I won that battle and didn't get ice cream. So I felt a little better for overcoming that first test.
My second option was to curl up inside my sadness and ride it out. I drove home, still crying, cried in the car for a few minutes before going inside, changed into some warm pajamas and then continued to cry myself to sleep. It was a rough night.
I thought through things with a clearer head this morning and realized that I was upset because I was confronted by this idea that my life was never going to be what I wanted it to be. I don't hang out in that space all the time, but I visit with enough regularity for it to be problematic - ie public sobfests. The real problem is that I truly do get too focused on details to my own detriment. It's not just that I "miss the forest for the trees" - I miss the whole damn tree because I'm too busy looking at the veins on one leaf!
Like many people, I assume, I've drawn a picture in my mind of how I want my life to be. I've added to the picture, erased some things, drawn them back in bolder... But I've always been stubbornly awaiting a full realization of this perfect picture, without spending the time to really dedicate myself to anything that will help it develop.
I am asked about and reminded of my goal on at least a weekly basis. Sometimes daily. I know what it is and I know what I need to do to reach it. I own it now. I trust that by putting my head down (in a blinders on, nose to the grindstone kind of way) and keeping my head up (in a proud and positive, focus on the big picture and what you're doing well kind of way) I will make progress. Instead of worrying about all the little pieces that I can't possible hold in my hands all at once, I know that they'll all eventually fall into focus. I just have to be patient and stay focused.
I can't keep living life wondering what lies just beyond the horizon if I'm not willing to swim out and chase it.
