Where I Was

...is not where I am now. And that's okay. At least it will be after I convince myself that it is. After I've told myself that it's okay enough times and I start to believe it. Until then, I'm faking okay, most days.

2013 Barbells for Boobs - Pink Bra Tour
Photo By Simple Times Photography

Except yesterday. Yesterday I was really okay. It was the first time in a really long time that I felt okay about everything. I didn't feel "less than" and I didn't feel awesome, but I didn't spend the whole workout frustrated because I had to scale everything or I couldn't do as much as I wanted to or I wasn't doing as much as everyone else was. I knew what I could do and I listened to my body when it got angry with me (most of the time) and I did my work. Did I push myself a little too hard and end up shaking on the floor when I got off the rowers? Unfortunately yes, but I was eventually able to get back up and feel good about the 98% of the time when I hadn't pushed myself too hard.

When I started CrossFit I didn't get frustrated as much as I do now. Starting from zero everything was up, all the time. I was scaling SO much more in the beginning but it didn't bother me like it has the past few months. I was able to shut out everything and everyone around me and just focus on my effort and the work in front of me. Almost everything I did was better than the last time I did it so I rarely felt down about what I was able to do - that's not where I am now. And it is okay. It has to be.

Where I was a year ago, even six months ago, is different in a lot of ways. I made choices over the last year that put me where I am now. I focused on weightlifting for several months. I took time off.  I got injured. I don't have the stamina or intensity or endurance that I had a year ago. I'll get it back, but I have to work at it really hard. Some days I can do more than others, but it's something I have to feel out one day at a time. One movement at a time. At the end of August when I was in Kansas City I snatched 103 pounds, solid. Tonight I had to pull back and only power snatch an empty bar and my hook grip felt painful and uncomfortable again. But my technique was good and as much as I wanted to put more weight on the bar I had accept that the bar was good enough. That the empty bar is my reality right now and it will just have to be all up from here again. From where I am now.

Grace

My first time doing Grace with Amanda and Alicia.

Grace is my girl. Grace is one of the CrossFit "Girl" WODs. Of the 8 or 9 "Girls" I've taken on in the past year and a half of CrossFit, Grace is the first, and only, one I've been able to do RXd, or exactly as written. I know that scaling workouts is part of CrossFit, but even though I've done Fran, Elizabeth, Nancy, Annie, Diane, Karen, and Jackie, etc before... I don't feel like I've ever really done them because there were parts I couldn't do, like pull-ups, or ring dips, or handstand push-ups, or double-unders. But 30 clean & jerks at 95lbs for time? That has me written all over it. Grace is even more special to me because I got to do it RXd for the first time with my coaches Amanda and Alicia right before I moved to DC.

A few months later when Brickhouse started posting about their Barbells for Boobs fundraising event and I learned the workout would be Grace, I really wanted to go home to be a part of the event. Unfortunately I had already scheduled a trip home for the weekend prior and I wasn't able to make two trips in a row. I still wanted to participate in the fundraiser and try Grace again, but my new gym wasn't doing it, so I looked online and found out that CrossFit Reston was pretty close and was also hosting the workout. Even though I would have rather been with friends at either Brickhouse or District, I was enjoying experiencing different CrossFit boxes and the way I saw it, Barbells for Boobs wasn't as much about where I did it as it was about doing it. Raising money and awareness to provide mammograms for those in need. Helping save lives through early detection. Taking on Grace again and going for a PR.

I wasn't sure what to expect but hoped that CrossFit Reston would be as welcoming as the other boxes I visited and I was pleased when I was warmly greeted and taken in by the coaches and athletes there. The coaches took us all through a warm-up, explained and drilled the movements, started the music, started the clock, and we took on Grace together. Side by side. Some people breezed through, others struggled. Not everyone did the RX weight, one woman in her pink "Lifting for Two" t-shirt used dumbells instead of a barbell.

Photo By: NOVA Sports Photography

I was excited to do the RX weight, and proud of the impressed looks I got when I stated my intention to do so, but I knew it would still be a challenge for me. It didn't seem as daunting though knowing that I was lifting in the same heat as an athlete from CFR that was battling cancer herself. My fight with the barbell, my fight to lose weight...both paled in comparison to her fight. A few minutes of struggle with a heavy weight to help raise awareness so that others might not have to face that fight? No problem. 

The greatest part of the whole event, for me, wasn't getting an almost 4 minute PR (though I was totally stoked about that) it was being one of the last to finish in my heat and being surrounded by athletes who didn't know me, having them cheer me on and count down my reps, and high-fiveing me when I finished. Being embraced by the CrossFit community. 

This year I'm back home for Barbells for Boobs and I can't wait. As one of the top fundraisers from last year, Brickhouse CrossFit was chosen as an official stop on the Reebok Pink Bra Tour. I won't be able to do Grace RXd this year, but again, it's just about taking on a challenge, raising awareness, and having fun with my friends. Being a part of the community.

Brickhouse CrossFit is located at 521 Salem Avenue
in Roanoke, VA. The event starts at 6:00pm.

I have been incredibly lucky to have not been personally effected by cancer. Knock on wood, no one in my immediate family has either. I know that I am in the very rare minority in this respect. Until recently I didn't really even know anyone close to me who had battled cancer. I will be doing Grace to support those who haven't been so lucky. For those who might not have someone to support them. I would invite all of you, anyone and everyone, to join us for the event this Friday. Even if you don't do CrossFit. Even if you've never picked up a barbell...what a better time or reason to try?

If you can't make it out to take on Grace with me, try to find one in your area, or please consider contributing to the cause by visiting my fundraising page: http://fundraise.barbellsforboobs.org/fundraise?fcid=259459 

Ode to the Newcomer

The following appeared on the District CrossFit blog last September, right at the end of my first month as a DCF athlete. At the time it was exactly what I needed to hear so I saved it in the notes section on my phone and re-read it several times during my low moments in those first few months. I came across the note again today and it still holds a lot of positivity for me. There are several exchanges that I've had with friends over the last year, comments that you all have left on my posts and pictures on Facebook, emails, etc that have been incredibly encouraging and that I refer back to often. I am extremely grateful for everything that has helped or inspired me in some way, even if it wasn't directed specifically at me. 

So, while this was written by a DCF athlete, directed towards the newcomers at our gym, I post it again in the hopes that it will reach someone else who needs a little encouragement today. To the Annonymous DCF Athlete, if you're reading this, thank you for your kind words. It meant more to me than you realize.

Ode to the Newcomer

"For all newcomers to Crossfit and especially DCF - You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from listening to the athlete in your head will far exceed the effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d stop telling yourself you “can’t do it”, you would notice that the other athletes you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who digs deep from inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are an athlete, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration."

~Anonymous DCF Athlete

The P's

Pity. What I've been feeling for myself lately.

Pain. Why I've been pitying myself.

Pathetic. Pitying oneself over a little bit of pain.

Patience. A virtue I have very little of, but that I've been trying desperately to summon.

Persistence. Keeping with my rehab plan, even though my scope of activity is very limited, and it's not the most fun, and I miss being part of classes. Continuing to show up and do the work and trust my doctor and take the time to let my back heal.

Progress. Getting to add in more activities that get me closer to being back in class. Not feeling pain while I do them. Setting realistic goals for my recovery.

Being hurt is the pits. It sucks even more when your own ego got you injured and you know it was preventable. But it is what it is. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me better and back to lifting heavy things again. It just makes me feel worse about being injured. I'm finishing up my third week on a restricted activity plan that I can "blame" on my doctor, but in reality I had to ask him to restrict me because I wasn't doing a good enough job of it on my own. I tried imposing my own restrictions and planning to scale back, but in the midst of the workout I would inevitably start pushing past the limit I had set and causing myself more pain.

The first week I was really bummed about it. I could only use the Airdyne (which I called the Devil's Bicycle), strict press with really light weight, and floor press. I was seriously bored and envious of everyone else putting up PRs during testing week and really wanting to participate. The second week was a little bit worse because I started to get in my own head too much. I was letting myself get down about being injured, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I was never going to get better.

I was starting to feel like I did when I broke my legs. Initially I was optimistic when they told me I would be out 6-8 weeks. It didn't seem so long. I could do 6 weeks. Then 6 weeks became 8, then 12, then 16. It eventually starts to get to you. It's easy enough for a doctor to say "let's give it another month" when he doesn't realize how tough it is to spend another month stuck in bed.

Then a funny thing happened about the middle of last week. I realized how stupid I was being. How ridiculous it was for me to be so bummed out about my little back injury when I had made it through something much worse before. If I could handle being stuck in bed for 3 months, not even able to bathe or go to the bathroom on my own, and then in a wheelchair for another 2 months, obviously not being able to snatch didn't seem so bad. The recovery from breaking 5 bones was much longer than this back injury will be (hopefully), so I needed to just buck up and get through it.

On Saturday I came in to do my workout excited because I had a few more things I could test out. I had a plan to maximize my half hour and I set to it. I was as intense and focused as I could be and didn't look at it as if I was doing wimpy rehab exercises. I changed my attitude and I felt better about the work I was doing. As I keep following my plan I've been able to see that I'm making progress and I know that eventually I'll be able to get back to where I was before my injury and hopefully the work I'm doing will make me even better. I don't even hate the Airdyne so much anymore.

I still really miss lifting heavy though. I was watching videos of some of my past lifts today and found the ones I took the day I got my last snatch PR. 100lbs was a big goal of mine and when I finally hit it, of course I wanted more. I tried for weeks and finally hit 102.5, but then I wanted 105. 105 messed with my head for a long time. Then about 2 weeks before the RVA Open I decided 105 would be mine before the day was over. I had gone for this weight so many times and had gotten so close, but I was frustrated. The day I finally hit it I was at the gym for over 2 hours and missed probably 8 times in a row. It made me feel good to watch my misses today because I realized how my persistence had paid off in that instance and it made me hopeful that I would get back to 105 again and push way beyond that number. It reminded me that I'm capable of a lot as long as I'm patient, and persistent, and stick with my plan.