I've tried to focus on those little victories that are often forgotten when bigger, faster, and heavier are blocking my view. Sometimes it's just showing up with a good attitude. Other times it's just continuing to move and not taking too much rest. A lot of the time I just try to listen. To really feel every movement and listen to how my body reacts. I feel like this is the only way I can see through this injury to the other side. I need to know that I'm doing okay (or not) so I can give an honest assessment of how the workout is going when/if I'm asked and know when I need to stop.
Like everything, this isn't always easy and isn't going to happen overnight. I trained one way - the bigger, faster, and heavier way - for the first year and a half. Chasing PRs, pushing past my limits...it felt good to train like that and it's hard to not let workouts get away from me and fly off with reckless abandon and go as hard as I possibly can. But that's exactly what I've been trying to avoid doing. Finding that place where I know I could probably do a little more, go a little heavier, do the work a little faster, but recognizing that exact point as the place where I have to be smart - dancing a little over the line, cautiously, but keeping an awareness of how each fraction of an inch past the line puts more stress on my body. Rationalizing that an extra few reps in the Monday workout might feel good on Monday, but will likely make Wednesday miserable. There's no prize for coming in last place a few reps higher on a random weekday WOD.
It still kills me a little to stand at the back or off to the side with my dumbbells when everyone else is working on barbells. It just does. I've accepted it, but I don't know that I'll ever skip gleefully over to pick them up or approach them with the same feeling as I do (did) when approaching a heavily loaded bar. It's just not the same and I miss working with a barbell...as stupid as it may sound, that has been the hardest thing for me to accept, even though I know it's not forever.
Maybe all of that didn't help build my case, but I actually am happier in the gym recently than I have been in several months. Yes, I'm not where I want to be in every aspect of my training, but I feel like things are really solid right now. Also, just because I'm not able to see my major lifts get better doesn't mean I don't still have little goals or things I'm working on. I've decided this is the perfect time to finally get some double unders and add to my total of 10 lifetime DUs (singular, miraculous events that they were).
For the Fourth of July we did the hero WOD Glen. As programmed it's 30 clean & jerks at 95lbs ("Grace") + 1 mile run + 10 rope climbs + 1 mile run + 100 burpees, with a 70 minute time cap. My workout was 30 hang clean & jerks with kettlebells (which is exactly as awkward as it sounds), 1600m row, 10 rope pulls (from flat on the ground to seated to standing and back down) 1600m row, and 12.5 burpees. Yes, only 12.5 of the 100.
As I lay on the ground between each of those 12 burpees I had a mini dialogue with myself - "Just keep moving until time runs out." "No, I should probably stop...it's starting to feel bad on the downs and ups." "But only on the downs and ups...can you make it to 50?" "Uh...maybe 25?" "Yeah...I'm done."
Done on the ground in the middle of the 13th burpee at 45:45. And I let myself feel defeated for a half minute because I didn't finish. Couldn't finish? No. I decided it was best to not finish. Then I felt pretty great about that decision and the fact that I'd just done 45 minutes of solid work. I rowed 2 sub 9 minute miles and did a scaled Grace in just over 5 minutes. And, the rope pulls.
The first time I worked on rope climbs in CrossFit I obviously didn't even get off the ground, nor could I manage the scaled option of pulling myself from the ground to a standing position using the rope. I literally couldn't stand up. I had to scale even further and only pull myself to a seated position and even that was hard. And it felt pathetic. Several months later I was finally able to stand and it made me feel so strong. It was the same feeling I got when I could finally stand up a Turkish Get-Up. I was worried going into the workout on Friday that I might not be able to pull myself up anymore. I've already lost my handstands and can't lift right now...I really wanted to be able to do the rope pulls. I needed to be able to stand up. At the end of the day, the thought that made my DNF (decided not to finish) okay was the feeling of successfully standing up.
As good as lifting heavy makes me feel, there will always be fulfillment in being able to stand up. On my own. In the gym and in life.
