Perspective

There's been several times over the last year or so that I have been in a hole and thought that things were incredibly crappy and have asked for some perspective. A few times I was presented with the answer in the form of something pretty awful happening that made me realize that whatever I had been dwelling on was not really as bad as I thought.

I haven't been having a great week. I haven't been happy and more times than I'm proud to admit I've reverted back to dealing with my unhappiness by eating really bad foods. This used to make me feel better. I used to find comfort in eating myself into a semi-coma. I realize now that I lived in a constant state of suck that I perpetuated by continuing to eat more and more terrible things that made me feel physically as terrible as I felt emotionally. Before the bad food didn't make me feel as bad as it does now. So now, instead of feeling equally as terrible inside and out, I feel much, much worse. This coping mechanism clearly is not working for me and I'm going to endeavor to find a new one.

I'm trying to take a few steps back and get a look at the bigger picture and I think I found my perspective. This time my answer wasn't that things are worse for others, but that my life now is much better than it used to be and my bad days now aren't as rough as my bad days used to be because of the work that I've done over the last 10 months. I've done so much to change my life and after making myself feel so horrible I want more than ever to keep working hard and never go back to the person I used to be.

This weekend marked 10 months since I started CrossFit and my goal for the next two months is to work hard. No excuses. I want to be consistent with my workouts, even when I'm not feeling it, I'm going to go anyway. I can't be upset with the results I'm not getting if I'm not being honest about how hard I'm working. I'm really excited about the CrossFit Open and I can't wait to push myself beyond what I think is possible. I decided to only weigh in at competitions and my next one is at the one year anniversary. I hope that I will have passed the 100 pound milestone by then and I'm going to do whatever it takes to hit this goal.

Sometimes I lose sight of the big picture and so I go back to the pictures. I'm glad that I've kept up with documenting my journey because it really does help me to realize that even though I still have a long way to go I have made a great amount of progress. I don't always see it day by day, but the hard work is working, so I've got to keep working hard.



Finally able to fit into pants from Lululemon!!

Competition

The teacher in me believes that there is something valuable to be learned in every situation. I've always been an inquisitive person and I truly enjoy learning as much as I can about everything, especially things that interest me. That's why I ask so many questions. (Sorry coaches) I like to understand why things are the way the are, why something is useful (or not), the best and worst ways to do things, how things work, the reason behind things, why people believe the things they believe. It's how I make sense of the world. Babies put things in their mouths - I ask lots of questions.

This weekend I competed in my first USA Weightlifting sanctioned meet, the 2013 Baltimore Open. I entered this competition on whim after I registered for the RVA Open in April, solely because I was really excited about starting to compete and didn't want to have to wait until April. Baltimore wasn't that far away, and I'd never been there, and it looked like fun. Also, I wanted to learn. Even if I knew I wouldn't win, or hit impressively heavy lifts, or have the greatest technique, I saw value in just being in a competitive environment. Taking part in the meet and experiencing what competition feels like in a sanctioned meet. Everyone has to start somewhere and even if they start in last place, it's still a start.

I didn't feel very prepared going into this meet and didn't make much progress over the month and a half since the CrossFit Olympic lifting competition I entered in December, so my expectations for Baltimore were pretty low. I was planning on being conservative with my attempts and hitting as many of them as I could. I didn't want to make a fool of myself, but I wanted to get the feel for the flow of the meet and the rules and the timing of warm-ups. I wanted to see how other lifters acted and prepared. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and try something new in a new city and see what I could learn.

The first thing I quickly learned is that you really ought to have a coach with you at a competition, especially if you're new and just starting out. I was intimidated seeing the other lifters interacting with their coaches and watching their warm-ups. I felt panicked and like I suddenly had no clue how I should warm-up and how I was going to be ready when it was my turn. I tried to get out of my head and put on my headphones and my "angry" playlist. I did some foam rolling and stretching. I went outside and ran up and down the sidewalk. None of this was working and I was getting more and more nervous. I thought I was going to be okay without coach, but the longer I was there the more I wished I had one. I was lucky that one of the coaches was able to find me a coach who took me through my warm-ups and made sure I got to the platform on time and gave me some helpful tips and cues. Best of all he made it so I didn't have to worry about anything but lifting.

Another important thing I learned is that I need to be okay with missing a lift, or at least look like I am. I had two lifts where I got one red light and only one that I completely missed. I have a pretty good idea why I got the red lights and why I missed the lift, and I think they're all easily fixable, but that failed lift really bugs me because of the way I reacted to it. I also had a bad reaction to the lift I missed in competition in December. I wouldn't know this if I didn't have video of both fails and it makes me want to react with more grace when I fall short of a goal, not just in lifts, but in life. I've seen videos of top notch lifters missing and they smile, shrug it off, take a bow, and leave the platform. In the Olympics. If they can be okay with a missed lift in that level of competition, surely my failures aren't worth getting upset over. So that's one thing (among many) that I'm going to work on between now and April.

Here's the video of all my lifts from this weekend. I'm glad that I have these and that my friend Alison came to cheer me on and take them for me. They'll be good to look back on as I progress in this sport and I'll be able to see how far I've come.

 

 

Oh, and this also happened this weekend.

 

 

 

I hadn't thought about it over the last few months, and it's not like I haven't been driving, but I haven't adjusted the seat in my Jeep since I've lost weight and on my drive home to visit my family on Sunday I started to have this feeling that I was really far back. My feet were still touching the gas and brake fine, but then I realized that my stomach doesn't touch the steering wheel anymore. It really is the little things. (No - I wasn't driving when I took the picture. I was stopped.)

Yet

Many people have said that can't should not be part of your vocabulary if you want to succeed. I think that can't is okay in certain contexts. It's good to be aware of your limitations at any given moment in time. The important thing is that any can't should be followed by a yet. Yet is hopeful. Yet thinks of the future. Yet is full of possibility.

When I started CrossFit I could have said, "I can't do burpees." I probably did say it. When I weighed 353 pounds it was difficult for me to get down on the floor and I was afraid of putting pressure on my knees and of looking like an injured elephant trying to get back up. I might have been able to do regular burpees in the beginning, probably not the prettiest looking ones, but instead I did a modified version up against a weight bench. Then I was shown that I could get down on the floor and get myself back up, and I haven't looked back. Every time I have to do burpees in a WOD I kinda get a happy feeling inside, even though burpees are still hard and still suck, because I CAN do them. They're still not pretty, but they get better and faster every time. To me burpees are a symbol for building strength - repeatedly throwing yourself down on the floor,  but always getting back up, and celebrating that feat by jumping up and clapping for yourself. (Never thought of them quite that way, did you?)

I probably said, "I can't get up off the floor" or "I can't run." I probably didn't say yet, and I should have because almost 10 months later none of those things are true. I didn't say the yet in the beginning because I wasn't sure that those things would be possible. I hadn't proven to myself that I was strong enough, or capable enough, to do things that seemed impossible. I know better now.

I currently have a long list of "Can't Yets." These are just some of them.

I Can't:
1. Do pull-ups
2. Do a muscle-up
3. Squat, Snatch, or Clean my body weight
4. Do consistent 20" box jumps
5. Do handstand push-ups
6. Fit into women's pants at Lululemon
7. Take a trapeze flying class (I currently exceed the weight limit)

YET

These are all things I can't do now, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be able to do them, or that I will never be able to do them. All said and done, some of them may take me years to achieve, or not be possible at all, but that won't stop me from trying. Yet allows me to dream and hope that I can be and do more than I currently am and can do.

I think that what we say about ourselves is very important to our success. I think that what we say is reflective of how we think. Even if we say we're joking, there is some element of truth in what we say. I remember dropping in on a box out of town and lifting with some girls who commented that they couldn't lift as much as me because they were weaklings. That made me sad. I really wanted them to say yet - "I can't lift as much as you, yet." They should never feel like they're weak. The fact that they lift at all makes them strong. Everyone starts somewhere and if they keep at it they'll lift more than they ever thought possible.

So, be mindful of what you can and can't do. Know who you are and what you're capable of in this moment, but don't let it limit what you can be. Do burpees and celebrate that you can do them. Say yet. Mean it.




And then there's this, for my little sister Sammi. (Beware of foul language.)