I'm not happy with myself right now. The best way to describe my behavior in the last two weeks is destructive. How else would you categorize repeatedly doing something you know is bad for you, that you know will make you feel terrible? To do it once is foolish, but forgivable. To continue is asinine and simply destructive.
Yes, I'm talking about poor food choices. But lately it's been much more than a bad choice here and there. I've been verging on an all out bender of bad choices and I feel miserable and I'm starting to get to that place where I don't even care, which is a horrible place to be staring down. I promised myself that I was never going back to that place, ever.
The best that I can do at this point is be totally honest about it and keep trying to do better and try to find my give-a-damn again. I'm honestly a little perplexed about why this happened. I know that it's the holidays and that they're rough for a lot of people, but I don't really think it's a valid excuse. Maybe it's the winter blues coming on and knowing that it'll be a while before I'll get to go home again? I know I've been feeling lonely and bored and unfulfilled lately and in the past when I've been feeling down I've always turned to food. Old habits die hard, as they say. Unlike the past, though, I'm not finding any comfort in these bad foods, they're just making me feel worse, but I keep making the bad choices. It would almost seem like I want to be miserable - why else would I keep putting myself through this? It's not only the mental side of feeling bad, I physically feel like hell. Even though the scale hasn't changed I feel fat again. Lazy, lethargic, slovenly, sluggish, bloated, tired...fill in the blank with any number of unflattering adjectives and they'll come only slightly close to how I've been feeling.
I know that this is a long journey and it's not always going to be all high moments, sunshine, and rainbows. I realize that the valleys and darkness are inevitable and necessary but I don't like being stuck here and it's getting harder and harder to climb back out. I have trouble reconciling how I can be so strong one minute and so weak the next. I can make hundreds of good choices, but even one bad one seems to completely reset the counter to zero and the further I get away from zero the more crushing it is to watch the numbers flip backward.
I could blame many things on this struggle. Blame is easy to place, except when you know it should be on your shoulders. I could say that I'm struggling because there has been a complete breakdown of any semblance of a support system, but that gives away all my control. It suggests that I was only successful because of other people. My support system was definitely a driving force for me in the beginning and it absolutely made it easier to keep pushing forward, but the choices were all still mine. No one else could work out for me and no one else could eat for me. It just made it more rewarding to have people to cheer you on. I recently even experienced my first negative reactions to my success from people that I love and who I know support me. I know they didn't mean to, but their remarks hurt me just the same. It was the first time that I felt bad for changing, like I'd upset the balance and like I shouldn't be so proud. I'm angry that I let them make me feel that way. And how did I respond? Not by forging ahead, but by making decisions that lead me backward.
I know that I'm smarter than the way I've been behaving. I've proven that I have the knowledge and the tools to succeed. I will not go backward. I can't. I've worked too hard. This self-sabotaging behavior is stupid and inexcusable and I need to stop acting this way.
The new year starts next week, and though I had hoped to be 100 pounds lighter by Monday night, I'm not upset that I won't meet that goal because I knew it was ambitious when I set it. I don't plan on making resolutions either. I've done that for years and never stuck with them. Tuesday is just another day, a day that is nothing more than a flip of the calendar page. There's nothing any more significant about that Tuesday than the one that just passed. Why should I wait for an arbitrary Tuesday to be THE day that I start living well again? Why not tomorrow? Why not the next minute? Every minute I let pass just gives me more rope to hang myself with, metaphorically speaking. If I say that I'll start doing better on Tuesday, that gives me the rest of the weekend to make bad choices. If I decide that my next choice will be a better one than the last one I made, there's much less time for me to screw up.
I've been destructive lately, but laying it all out in the open is the first CONstructive step toward change, which I'm all about. Now I can go forward with a clean conscience and start cleaning up the rest of my life, again.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Chapter Three
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| My first CrossFit Competition - BHC Garage Games |
do, or ways I had to do things, because I was overweight. In those first four months I got a glimpse of hope that my life wouldn't have to be that way anymore.
In Chapter Two - the last four months (September to December) - I have been living in DC and training at District CrossFit. This period of time, in every way, has been dedicated to transition and adjustment. With everything being different in my life, having CrossFit as a constant was essential. Even though I had to adjust to a new box, new coaches, new movements, I still had an ultimate goal I was working toward and the foundation and tools were the same. It would have been very easy for me to have given up when faced with all these changes. Moving was extremely stressful and I felt my control slipping away many times. My progress in the past four months hasn't been as dramatic (in my mind) as it was at the beginning, but sitting here at the end of my eighth month I can see that my progress has continued steadily and I am still seeing results. I have even been able to stop taking all of the medication that I previously had to take to control my diabetes.
One major milestone from this chapter came last weekend when I competed in my first Olympic Lifting competition. One of my coaches commented that putting yourself out there in competition isn't easy. I hadn't really thought of entering the competition in that way. I was nervous about competing, but before I started CrossFit I would never have been able to stand alone on the platform in front of three judges and a room full of strangers and do much of anything. I didn't really give that part of it a second thought. I was more worried I'd fail on all my lifts than I was about what people would think of me. Even though I didn't come close to winning, I did go for a personal record on both of my lifts and actually got a PR on my snatch. I had fun and learned so much in the preparation and in the competition itself. This is definitely something that I want to continue pursuing in the coming year.
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| Capital Affiliate League Olympic Lifting Open Snatch Attempt 3 - 92 lbs |
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| Capital Affiliate League Olympic Lifting Open Clean & Jerk Attempt 2 - 115 lbs |
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| My Current Motivation |
I didn't really plan it this way, but the start of the New Year (basically) coincides with the start of my third chapter. The next four months will complete my first year of this journey and I have many things planned that I'd like to accomplish. I won't be making new resolutions this year, but will instead continue along the path that I've been following. I hope that if I continue in the same manner as I have over the last eight months that I will hit my 100 pound weight loss sometime in late February or early March. I hope to continue working on my Olympic lifts, become a USAW member, and compete again in April. I have also signed up for the Rugged Maniac 5k in early May. I hope to become more independent and more settled into life in DC.
I am looking forward to what the next chapter has in store for me. I'm sure that many more opportunities to challenge myself will come in the next four months and I plan to take advantage of every one that I can. The most rewarding experiences I have had in the last two chapters have come when I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and put my new-found courage to the test. Every day offers the chance to learn and grow if only I am open to the experience.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Bless All the Dear Children
I'm not sure that I'm fully ready to write this post, I haven't really had time to process everything that's happened over the last couple of days, but I'm going to start and see where it takes me, this may be another fairly long one.
I struggled my first two years in college as a music major and when I realized that it wasn't working out and finally dropped my major, I found myself lost and unhappy. I decided to take the summer off after my sophomore year to re-evaluate things and the summer turned into a 3 year hiatus that involved working in several mundane retail and fast food jobs, interrupted by a year long recovery from my car accident. During this time I also worked at a community college bookstore - a position that paid well for someone lacking a college degree - and I really enjoyed my work there and the people that I worked with, but I didn't really see a solid, meaningful future in what I was doing.
After the accident, when I was looking for purpose and meaning in my life, for the reason that I had survived when three other children were taken from their families, my manager pointed out how well I interacted with a co-worker's young daughter and wondered if I had ever considered working with children. My goal as a music major was to be a high school band director and I hadn't really considered teaching elementary school, but her comment made me take a harder look at what I wanted out of life and I began to realize the difference that I could make teaching young children. I decided to leave behind my job at the bookstore (and the salary and benefits that it included) and return to school to finish my degree in Early Childhood Education.
The next 5 years were both rewarding and difficult. I found a great passion for working with children, in particular those with special needs, and for the subject matter and developmental theories, and everything connected with the world of the young child. Through my training to become a teacher I gained confidence speaking in front of groups (which I had previously struggled with to the point that I would freeze and tremble and be unable to speak) and I also discovered talents that I never knew I had. I even learned to love lesson plans. I had some great role models in my professors, cooperating teachers, and fellow students as well as some poor examples and difficult professors/cooperating teachers that also challenged me to find the positive lesson out of a negative situation.
After completing my student teaching my confidence was high, my knowledge was solid, and I was ready to take on the job market, get my own classroom, and start changing the world one young child at a time. What followed was a frustrating two year job search and many, many challenging days working in daycare. I had the misfortune of trying to enter a flooded job market with no experience, no Master's degree, right as the economy was heading into a nose dive. After spending 2 months out of work and going through three surgeries to combat an infection I most likely received from daycare and having been constantly sick with upper respiratory distress, my third interview (out of over 60 positions I had applied for) ended in another "thank you for applying but we've selected another candidate" letter. Faced with mounting medical bills and student loan payments I finally had to make the decision to look for a position outside of my field of study. My confidence was shot and I felt like a failure.
In the 2 years that have followed since I left daycare I have found rewarding work and a great position with the VA. Many other great changes have happened in my life as a result. I have been able to pay my bills and start CrossFit which has helped me get healthy and gain even more confidence in myself. I'm much happier now than I was before. I'm on a career path and I'm living on my own as a responsible adult. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every situation leads us in the direction we were meant to go (and if not, something will eventually redirect us). If I had found a teaching job straight out of college, maybe I would have never met all of the great people at the VA or in my CrossFit communities. I haven't completely shut the door on teaching. In the back of my mind and in my heart it's still something that I am truly passionate about. My teaching license will expire in June of this coming year, but that doesn't mean that I will never teach or work with children in some way in the future.
The point of this rather long-winded chapter out of my history book is that the loss of several students from my high school in the past few weeks and the recent shooting in Connecticut have been weighing heavily on my heart. I have been told that my compassion is both a strength and a weakness. It would break my heart to learn about children who had terrible home lives, who lived in poverty and didn't get enough to eat, whose parents didn't care enough to make sure they wore a coat to school, who were abused and neglected by the people who should have loved and protected them the most. I was also known to be brought to tears during a parent teacher conference by a father's frustration and deep concern that his son not be seen as stupid because he struggled with reading. I often worried that I would get too involved in the lives of my students and would want to personally save every troubled child, to protect them from every harsh word and difficult situation thrown their way. I knew realistically to survive I would need to draw the boundary line and respect it, but I never wanted to completely lose my compassion for children as I have seen happen to other teachers.
I didn't know any of the students who have passed recently at my old high school and I can't imagine the difficulties facing the community of Newtown. As removed as I am from the situation I am still devastated by the senselessness of all those young lives lost. I ache for the families dealing with this loss and I could only hope I would be as brave as the teachers in that school who sacrificed themselves to save and protect the lives of their students if, God forbid, I was ever faced with such a tragedy.
Those who know me best know that I'm not the most religious person, and throughout my adult life I have struggled with my faith, especially at times like this when it should be stronger than ever. I do have faith that there is a greater plan in place, though we may not understand it, and I pray for peace and comfort for everyone involved in this tragedy. Loss is especially difficult during the holidays and has happened so often for so many people I know. This post was inspired by the following lyrics from a familiar Christmas song that seemed a particularly fitting prayer in light of everything that has happened.
"Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care,
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there."
I struggled my first two years in college as a music major and when I realized that it wasn't working out and finally dropped my major, I found myself lost and unhappy. I decided to take the summer off after my sophomore year to re-evaluate things and the summer turned into a 3 year hiatus that involved working in several mundane retail and fast food jobs, interrupted by a year long recovery from my car accident. During this time I also worked at a community college bookstore - a position that paid well for someone lacking a college degree - and I really enjoyed my work there and the people that I worked with, but I didn't really see a solid, meaningful future in what I was doing.
After the accident, when I was looking for purpose and meaning in my life, for the reason that I had survived when three other children were taken from their families, my manager pointed out how well I interacted with a co-worker's young daughter and wondered if I had ever considered working with children. My goal as a music major was to be a high school band director and I hadn't really considered teaching elementary school, but her comment made me take a harder look at what I wanted out of life and I began to realize the difference that I could make teaching young children. I decided to leave behind my job at the bookstore (and the salary and benefits that it included) and return to school to finish my degree in Early Childhood Education.
The next 5 years were both rewarding and difficult. I found a great passion for working with children, in particular those with special needs, and for the subject matter and developmental theories, and everything connected with the world of the young child. Through my training to become a teacher I gained confidence speaking in front of groups (which I had previously struggled with to the point that I would freeze and tremble and be unable to speak) and I also discovered talents that I never knew I had. I even learned to love lesson plans. I had some great role models in my professors, cooperating teachers, and fellow students as well as some poor examples and difficult professors/cooperating teachers that also challenged me to find the positive lesson out of a negative situation.
After completing my student teaching my confidence was high, my knowledge was solid, and I was ready to take on the job market, get my own classroom, and start changing the world one young child at a time. What followed was a frustrating two year job search and many, many challenging days working in daycare. I had the misfortune of trying to enter a flooded job market with no experience, no Master's degree, right as the economy was heading into a nose dive. After spending 2 months out of work and going through three surgeries to combat an infection I most likely received from daycare and having been constantly sick with upper respiratory distress, my third interview (out of over 60 positions I had applied for) ended in another "thank you for applying but we've selected another candidate" letter. Faced with mounting medical bills and student loan payments I finally had to make the decision to look for a position outside of my field of study. My confidence was shot and I felt like a failure.
In the 2 years that have followed since I left daycare I have found rewarding work and a great position with the VA. Many other great changes have happened in my life as a result. I have been able to pay my bills and start CrossFit which has helped me get healthy and gain even more confidence in myself. I'm much happier now than I was before. I'm on a career path and I'm living on my own as a responsible adult. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every situation leads us in the direction we were meant to go (and if not, something will eventually redirect us). If I had found a teaching job straight out of college, maybe I would have never met all of the great people at the VA or in my CrossFit communities. I haven't completely shut the door on teaching. In the back of my mind and in my heart it's still something that I am truly passionate about. My teaching license will expire in June of this coming year, but that doesn't mean that I will never teach or work with children in some way in the future.
The point of this rather long-winded chapter out of my history book is that the loss of several students from my high school in the past few weeks and the recent shooting in Connecticut have been weighing heavily on my heart. I have been told that my compassion is both a strength and a weakness. It would break my heart to learn about children who had terrible home lives, who lived in poverty and didn't get enough to eat, whose parents didn't care enough to make sure they wore a coat to school, who were abused and neglected by the people who should have loved and protected them the most. I was also known to be brought to tears during a parent teacher conference by a father's frustration and deep concern that his son not be seen as stupid because he struggled with reading. I often worried that I would get too involved in the lives of my students and would want to personally save every troubled child, to protect them from every harsh word and difficult situation thrown their way. I knew realistically to survive I would need to draw the boundary line and respect it, but I never wanted to completely lose my compassion for children as I have seen happen to other teachers.
I didn't know any of the students who have passed recently at my old high school and I can't imagine the difficulties facing the community of Newtown. As removed as I am from the situation I am still devastated by the senselessness of all those young lives lost. I ache for the families dealing with this loss and I could only hope I would be as brave as the teachers in that school who sacrificed themselves to save and protect the lives of their students if, God forbid, I was ever faced with such a tragedy.
Those who know me best know that I'm not the most religious person, and throughout my adult life I have struggled with my faith, especially at times like this when it should be stronger than ever. I do have faith that there is a greater plan in place, though we may not understand it, and I pray for peace and comfort for everyone involved in this tragedy. Loss is especially difficult during the holidays and has happened so often for so many people I know. This post was inspired by the following lyrics from a familiar Christmas song that seemed a particularly fitting prayer in light of everything that has happened.
In Thy tender care,
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there."
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The House That Built Me
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| Brickhouse Garage Games 2012 This is actually right after Amanda told me I couldn't do burpees from the bench anymore - a scary, awesome moment! |
This week my friends at home are saying their good-byes to a place that we've all called our second home in recent months and years. Some have been there since day one, others maybe only a week or two, some, like me, have moved to other corners of the world and have new box homes, but I'm sure they've all felt the same magic inside the four brick walls located on 310 Salem Avenue that I did when I was there. At the end of this week Brickhouse CrossFit will be moving into a magnificently humongous and beautiful new space and I couldn't be more excited and proud of Amanda and Jay for making this dream come true for them and all of the Brickhouse athletes.
I had to say my official good-bye after my last WOD at 310 over my Thanksgiving break, but seeing all the progress updates on the new space has made me think back on my time at Brickhouse again. Though the move is going to be amazing and I'm excited to get to visit the new digs too, a part of me is a little sad to know that someone else is going to be occupying our home at 310 from now on. It feels a little like moving out of the house you grew up in, or having your parents move while you were away at college. I've already moved on to my third home at District CrossFit, but Brickhouse will always hold a special place for me because it's where I got my start.
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| First Month at Brickhouse |
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| After My Last Saturday WOD at 310 Salem Avenue |
I have so many great memories inside those walls and coming back to visit after I moved really felt like coming home. I always feel comfortable and at ease there, like I do in my own home. Whether it was sweltering or freezing inside, it always felt good. Shouts of joy and frustration echo off the walls - especially when it's quiet and nearly empty. When it was full and the music was thumping, the energy was electric and I almost felt like I could tap into that power source and take on the world. As gross as it may sound, the mats are literally imbued with the blood, sweat, and tears of the many of athletes that have called Brickhouse home. If the walls could talk they would tell you stories of great moments everyone saw and tiny victories that may have gone unseen by most. I know that the new building will be just as magical and electric, because it's the people inside that make it that way.
I realize that memories don't live in a building, and buildings don't make a home, but all the same I'm overly sentimental (obviously) and this change is bittersweet. Just like I had to move on to new challenges and new real estate to make new memories and have new firsts, so too is it time for the next chapter for everyone at Brickhouse. Many great days are in store for all of you and I can't wait to see what amazing things you will all do in your new home! I'm dying to visit and check out all the hard work that the coaches and ambassadors have been doing over the last weeks to get 521 Salem Avenue ready. It's definitely an exciting time.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Happiness Is...
If you Google "Happiness Is..." it doesn't take you long to realize that this is one question without a single, definitive answer.
The Peanuts say that Happiness is either a warm puppy, a warm blanket, or being one of the gang.
The Beatles insist Happiness is a Warm Gun - clearly cold things don't make you happy.
Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a journey. Happiness is like a butterfly.
Even the Declaration of Independence talks about happiness and sets forth the idea that we have been endowed by our creator with the unalienable right to pursue happiness. Note, we aren't guaranteed happiness, just the freedom to pursue it. I used to wonder if I would constantly pursue happiness but always be eluded by it. I was unhappy with a lot of things for a long time.
I found happiness this year, in abundance. I was happy with myself and my life and the people I was surrounded by. Happier than I could remember being. I looked forward to every day. I was happy to be alive. I didn't dread work. I was sleeping well.
It's difficult to not correlate happiness with circumstance. All things being equal, if you stand back and look at your life and can clearly see that before this dot on the timeline your circumstance was one way and you weren't happy and after this dot your circumstance was another way and you were happy, how can you not connect the two? All of the factors that shape the circumstance in which you found yourself happy start to become your basis for what happiness is. They become the essentials for happiness. You believe if you don't have them you will no longer be happy. You weren't happy before you had them, so it stands to reason that you won't be happy if you lose them. Your happiness becomes wrapped up in your circumstance.
Any number of things can make someone happy, and everyone has a different litmus test for happiness. Being rich and famous, getting married, having a good job, being healthy, being spiritually sound, having a nice car, realizing your self worth... "If only X,Y,Z were present in my life, then I would be truly happy." You look at others who have your essential happiness ingredients, envious, and wonder why they aren't happy if they have what it takes to make them so? But maybe what would make you happy isn't enough for that other person...maybe not that it's not enough, it's just not the right thing.
Maybe happiness is like baking, or chemistry. It requires just the right formula or mix of ingredients. Any small deviance can throw the whole thing off. So you're out of vanilla extract - won't almond extract work just as well? Not quite. Substituting a similar ingredient for the one you really need might get you a similar product, but it won't be the same. If you're expecting what you're used to, you'll just end up disappointed. I've had chocolate chip cookies made with almond extract...bizarre.
I've realized in the last week or so that I've been trying to bake with almond extract. I've been striving to recreate my happiness with different ingredients to no avail. I'm beginning to think that it's not possible because I've been going about happiness in all the wrong ways. I haven't been very happy lately and I've been thinking that I won't be happy again unless things are the way they were before. Maybe, happiness isn't tied to circumstance, and it's not like baking, and it's not a once-in-a-lifetime thing that can only happen if all the planets are perfectly aligned.
I've been told before that you can be as happy or as miserable as you want to be. If you're dead set that you can't possibly be happy in any given situation, then it will be impossible. Even though I had been warned against it, I have been living in the land of what used to be for the last few months, longing to get my happiness back. Hanging on, white knuckled, with everything I have in me. Trying desperately to eek out every bit of happy I can pull from the other side only to end up feeling unfulfilled and sad. I think it may be time to loosen my grip, which also makes me sad. I don't want to leave everything behind, but hanging on so tightly makes it difficult to move on and find happiness again. And it scares me.
I don't want to forget and I don't want to be forgotten, but inevitably life moves on for everyone and it's hard to see it go on without you. It's hard to miss out on things and think, if things were different I would be there too. But I also realize that if I only wish to be somewhere else, I could be missing out on my life here too, and maybe I'm not giving here enough of a fair chance to make me happy.
Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit for my role in this whole happiness equation. Maybe it wasn't only the people and places and circumstance that created my happiness. A lot of things in my life changed to make me happy, and I had a lot of help, but ultimately I was the one who had to make the changes. I'm not the girl that I was before the dot on the timeline any more. I'm much stronger and all of the things that happened and the people that I met helped me get here. I guess that the world has presented me with the opportunity to prove it. To stand on my own two feet and fly with my own wings and take charge of my happiness and I just haven't been trying hard enough.
No one promised this journey would be easy, but I know that it will definitely be worth it.
The Peanuts say that Happiness is either a warm puppy, a warm blanket, or being one of the gang.
The Beatles insist Happiness is a Warm Gun - clearly cold things don't make you happy.
Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a journey. Happiness is like a butterfly.
Even the Declaration of Independence talks about happiness and sets forth the idea that we have been endowed by our creator with the unalienable right to pursue happiness. Note, we aren't guaranteed happiness, just the freedom to pursue it. I used to wonder if I would constantly pursue happiness but always be eluded by it. I was unhappy with a lot of things for a long time.
I found happiness this year, in abundance. I was happy with myself and my life and the people I was surrounded by. Happier than I could remember being. I looked forward to every day. I was happy to be alive. I didn't dread work. I was sleeping well.
It's difficult to not correlate happiness with circumstance. All things being equal, if you stand back and look at your life and can clearly see that before this dot on the timeline your circumstance was one way and you weren't happy and after this dot your circumstance was another way and you were happy, how can you not connect the two? All of the factors that shape the circumstance in which you found yourself happy start to become your basis for what happiness is. They become the essentials for happiness. You believe if you don't have them you will no longer be happy. You weren't happy before you had them, so it stands to reason that you won't be happy if you lose them. Your happiness becomes wrapped up in your circumstance.
Any number of things can make someone happy, and everyone has a different litmus test for happiness. Being rich and famous, getting married, having a good job, being healthy, being spiritually sound, having a nice car, realizing your self worth... "If only X,Y,Z were present in my life, then I would be truly happy." You look at others who have your essential happiness ingredients, envious, and wonder why they aren't happy if they have what it takes to make them so? But maybe what would make you happy isn't enough for that other person...maybe not that it's not enough, it's just not the right thing.
Maybe happiness is like baking, or chemistry. It requires just the right formula or mix of ingredients. Any small deviance can throw the whole thing off. So you're out of vanilla extract - won't almond extract work just as well? Not quite. Substituting a similar ingredient for the one you really need might get you a similar product, but it won't be the same. If you're expecting what you're used to, you'll just end up disappointed. I've had chocolate chip cookies made with almond extract...bizarre.
I've realized in the last week or so that I've been trying to bake with almond extract. I've been striving to recreate my happiness with different ingredients to no avail. I'm beginning to think that it's not possible because I've been going about happiness in all the wrong ways. I haven't been very happy lately and I've been thinking that I won't be happy again unless things are the way they were before. Maybe, happiness isn't tied to circumstance, and it's not like baking, and it's not a once-in-a-lifetime thing that can only happen if all the planets are perfectly aligned.
I've been told before that you can be as happy or as miserable as you want to be. If you're dead set that you can't possibly be happy in any given situation, then it will be impossible. Even though I had been warned against it, I have been living in the land of what used to be for the last few months, longing to get my happiness back. Hanging on, white knuckled, with everything I have in me. Trying desperately to eek out every bit of happy I can pull from the other side only to end up feeling unfulfilled and sad. I think it may be time to loosen my grip, which also makes me sad. I don't want to leave everything behind, but hanging on so tightly makes it difficult to move on and find happiness again. And it scares me.I don't want to forget and I don't want to be forgotten, but inevitably life moves on for everyone and it's hard to see it go on without you. It's hard to miss out on things and think, if things were different I would be there too. But I also realize that if I only wish to be somewhere else, I could be missing out on my life here too, and maybe I'm not giving here enough of a fair chance to make me happy.
Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit for my role in this whole happiness equation. Maybe it wasn't only the people and places and circumstance that created my happiness. A lot of things in my life changed to make me happy, and I had a lot of help, but ultimately I was the one who had to make the changes. I'm not the girl that I was before the dot on the timeline any more. I'm much stronger and all of the things that happened and the people that I met helped me get here. I guess that the world has presented me with the opportunity to prove it. To stand on my own two feet and fly with my own wings and take charge of my happiness and I just haven't been trying hard enough.
No one promised this journey would be easy, but I know that it will definitely be worth it.
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