Apparently, it's one of the only things that you can truly count on, just behind death and taxes. That doesn't mean I have to like it, right? It's a hard truth I've been forced to accept over and over and just typing those words causes my chest to tighten because change is probably the most difficult challenge that I face daily. I mean, hello... my entire blog has been about me trying to handle change.
A few weeks ago I had my yearly performance review at work and my boss (who clearly has me pegged) wrote that "Ginny desires and functions best when things are a bit more predictable and stable..." But noted that I've handled changes at work well and demonstrated significant growth in that area. Which is good news because it is something I've consciously been working on over the last few years. It's still difficult for me though.
I do like predictability and stability. I like order and structure. I like to feel safe and secure. I function best when I feel like I have control over things in my life - when my schedule is fixed and steady, my room is clean, my inbox is managed, my action items are written on my to-do list, my food is prepped, my desk is clean, and I know where to find things (usually because they're sorted or put in some kind of order). I alphabetize, number, label, and color code as much as I can. I like to line up things and space them equally. I've always felt like it's not really a problem because I can function when I don't do these things (maybe not as well...), but I find it comforting and feel like if there can be order, it's more pleasing to have order. If things can always be the same, why not keep them the same? Why not stand where the ground is solid?
Because you can't. Because that's not real life and it's not living. Because change is constant. Because you can't control everything. Because growth happens outside of your comfort zone. Because you can't decide that a circumstance or a schedule or the people in your life are constants. Because as soon as you do, they're bound to change, and if you rely on those things as your foundation and a change comes that causes you lose your perceived ability to control them, that's when everything falls apart. And therein lies the problem.
The truth is that change is so tough for me to handle because I've been approaching it all wrong. The important conclusion that I've come to recently is that change is difficult to handle because you can't control it and you can't handle it.
I went to a conference in September for work and one of the keynote speakers was a guy named Jon Gordon. His message basically centered around building a positive work environment, especially in the face of change. He left the audience with a challenge to choose a focus word that would guide you in the coming year - the one thing that if you were able to keep it at the forefront of your mind would inform your choices and improve your life. He did a meet & greet/book signing after the address and said he wanted to hear our "words." As I listened to him talk it resonated more with me in my athletic pursuits than it did with my work life and I told him as much when it was my turn to have my book signed. I told him that I felt my word actually was "positivity" and told him briefly about how I'd been working back from an injury and that my coach had been helping me to stay positive through the process.
Jon recommended that I read a different book than the one of his I'd just purchased - Stillpower by Garret Kramer - and I'm glad that I took him up on the recommendation because it's been very helpful in me coming to the realization that maybe I've been approaching change the wrong way.
The admittedly over-simplified message I took away from Stillpower was that the key to me finding the stability I desire to navigate my way successfully through this journey is to seek it from within. That my struggles are not a result of external factors and the resolution isn't going to come from the outside either. That maybe I've had such a hard time with each change that's come along because I didn't have that stillness in me and thus wasn't functioning from a state of well-being that would allow me to get through a change without it totally wrecking me. I didn't understand that I was talking myself into change being a problem I couldn't control, rather than the changes actually being problematic.
So, armed with this new perspective and yet another looming big change on the horizon, I've set my sights on becoming still. Not necessarily pushing out any negative thoughts about change, because I think there's still room to feel what you feel about situations and circumstances, but understanding that if I'm having trouble it's not because of the change but maybe I just need to understand that I may be at a low state of well-being in the moment. I hope that I'm able to approach change differently this way and be able to see the other side - the possibility and the opportunity and the transformation that comes with change, rather than being focused on things not turning out how I thought they might.
I can do this.
