Just One Thing

Hello again, ye few but faithful. I know I haven't written anything in a few weeks, but it was never my intention for this to be a daily or even weekly blog. My writing is intended to be a catharsis, a way for me to work out what's on my mind and keep me from reverting to less healthy options when I'm lonely or stressed. I won't always need it, but that doesn't mean that I'll only write when I'm down, more that I'll write when I feel inspired or like I have something worthwhile that needs to be said.

2012 Drumstick Dash

Good News first. Big changes over the last week include running (yes running) in the 2012 Stellar One Drumstick Dash 5K in Roanoke, VA. Last year I walked with my Mom and Dad and finished in last place out of about 15,000 people in 1:44:18. I was miserable and in pain and even though I was happy that I completed it, I was determined to do much better this year. I didn't run the whole thing, but I did finish in 56:24:92 which was well under the 1 hour time limit I set for myself and blew last year's time out of the water. I wasn't in pain, didn't have to stop, and didn't finish last. I felt really good at the end of the race this year. Oh, and I ran it with some great friends in a giant tutu!




2011 Drumstick Dash

In other news, despite the good things that have happened, I've been struggling quite a bit since I moved to feel in control. I've always said that I don't like change and don't do well with it, but I'm realizing more and more that I only focus on "bad" changes when I say this. As of this week I have completed seven months of changes, and most of them have been good changes. And I like them.

I got to spend the last week at home for Thanksgiving and was able to go to my family doctor for a check-up and to have my HA1C levels checked. I was diagnosed as a Type 2 diabetic in May of 2011 and my Hemoglobin A1C level was a shocking 9.4, which is just ridiculous. Being diabetic was something that had scared me for a long time because it runs in my family and I've seen how devastating it can be. As I got bigger and bigger, I held onto the delusion that I was okay because at least I wasn't diabetic. Until I was. I started on 3 different medicines and tried on my own to lose weight, but after a year I was only able to get my HA1C down to a 7.5, which was still too high.

When I made the decision to start CrossFit in April of 2012, I never dreamed that it would be as effective as it has been or that it would change so many things so drastically. By cleaning up my diet and working hard I was able to stop taking one of my medications after only two weeks. At the end of three months I had gotten my HA1C down to a 5.7, which is considered to be in the normal range. Now at the end of seven months, not only have I lost a total of 75 lbs, but my HA1C has remained at a 5.7 and my doctor has said that it is okay for me to stop taking medication all together!

I know that this doesn't mean that I'm cured, or that I'm no longer diabetic, but being off of medication is a huge deal. It means that I'm in control of something. That diabetes is not controlling me, I control it. Not with medicine, but with the choices I make and with my hard work. Being off the medicine feels amazing, but I'm also a little scared because now it's all on me. If I want to stay off of the medicine, every choice that I make is even more important because now I'm working without a safety net. I'm only a little scared though. I have had "crutches" before and have had them taken away and it's scary at first, but realizing that you don't really need them is a really great feeling.

I went to a friend with my concerns about feeling out of control recently and she told me to focus on just one thing. Pick one thing that I can control and master it, even if it's small. Before I went to the doctor I had planned on making the one thing taking my medicine. Going forward without the medicine I think it's important to focus on my nutrition and the first "One Thing" I'm going to work on is not stopping for fast food. When I started my Whole 30 nutrition challenge I had pretty amazing willpower where fast food was concerned because it had been my downfall for so long. I drove down "Fast Food Row" on my way home every day and all the brightly colored buildings taunted me as I passed. I had tried to make myself think that fast food was not allowed, at all, ever. I just would not stop there. I felt like I had pretty much conquered that demon before I moved and wasn't craving my old comfort foods like I used to.

Since I moved I have slowly loosened my restrictions and have found that even though the food makes me feel terrible, I'm not struggling as much over making bad choices as I used to. I don't have an internal dialogue with myself wherein I try to talk myself out of the bad choice. I just go ahead and make the bad choice and beat myself up about it later. I don't want to do that any more. I want to feel confident in my choice to say no and to feel good about it and feel the strength of fighting for my health instead of the weakness of giving in to temptation. Until I feel that again, my prominent focus will be on not stopping for fast food, which will mean being prepared. I will have to think ahead and make sure that I have prepared meals in advance for lunches, and sometimes dinners, so that I won't take the easy way out when I'm stressed and hungry. If I have good food on hand, I'll eat good food, and I won't go searching for bad food.

Once I get that one thing under control, it'll be time for a new one thing, and one thing at a time I'll be making good changes again. And I like good change.

Motivation

"You are CrossFit. What's good about it is you."
 ~Greg Glassman, CrossFit Founder/CEO

Call it obsession, drinking the kool-aid, joining the cult...or just making a choice to have a better life and not settling for mediocre any longer. They say that you know your friend does CrossFit because it's all they talk about. I guess this is true for me, but right now I don't really have anything else going on in my life. What else would I talk about? I've found that the most interesting, passionate conversations that I've had with both friends and strangers in the last 7 months have revolved around me explaining the greatness that is CrossFit and exactly what it is I love so much about it.

It's not like I'm some CrossFit missionary, knocking on the doors of unassuming neighbors asking, "Do you know Rich Froning?" These conversations start in all sorts of ways. Sometimes I'll get a message out of nowhere, from someone I haven't talked to in months, asking me what this CrossFit business is all about. I've even had a 10 minute conversation with a stranger at a restaurant who asked what the symbol on my sweatshirt signified (the WOD Addiction kettle bell skull). "Oh I've heard about CrossFit, is it some kind of exercise program? Is it like P90X?"

I was realizing as I told the stranger about CrossFit that I led with the basics about the work we do, but the bulk of the conversation wasn't about the finer points of burpees or kipping pull-ups. I didn't define the CrossFit glossary and bombard him with WOD this and AMRAP that. I didn't even name-drop Fran. Those aren't the parts of CrossFit that are going to convince someone to step in a box & change their life, in my humble opinion. I told him about the community, and the support, and the encouragement. I told him how much you hurt, but how good it feels to gauge how hard you worked by how wiped out you are at the end of the hour. I told him how taking my first step into the box was the best decision I had ever made. I told him how the person who finishes last gets cheered for just as much, if not more, than the person who finishes first. I told him how this is usually me. He jokingly implied that I must finish last on purpose.

His comment stuck with me for awhile after I left and got me to thinking about my motivation. I obviously don't finish last on purpose, but I still don't think that I always push myself to give as much as I can. I find that I really do feed off of the encouragement that I get from others and always feel like I can do more and do it better when I have that support. I feel like I struggle more and rest more when I don't have someone else pushing me. This is a problem. I think I've been spoiled and it's made me into a needy person. It worries me.

When I found out I had to move before I had planned, I was scared. I was worried that I wasn't ready and wasn't strong enough to continue my journey on my own. That without my support system around me I was sure to fail and backslide. The worst week that I had had up to that point was the first week that I was away from the box by myself. I am apparently the queen of self-fulfilling prophecies. I fear that I am beginning to speak this sentiment into existence. No matter how many times someone tells me that I am strong enough, and I can do it...sitting here alone day after day, making all these choices on my own with no one to back them up, I find myself struggling to believe it. To believe in myself. To make the right choices when no one is around to see me make them. To be motivated and stay motivated for no one else's benefit than mine.

I think most people want to feel important and validated. It's human to want to feel loved and cared about, like what you do matters. I know that's how I would prefer to feel, especially since I didn't feel that way for so long. Now that I've gotten a taste of what that feels like, I don't like going back to the way I felt before. It's hard to come home and not have anyone to share your day with or to feel like you're a loose thread pulled out of a blanket into which you used to be so tightly woven.

It has become a problem for me to need this so much. I can't say that I'm truly happy with myself if I still feel like I need others to validate me. There are people out there who don't care what others think, good or bad, and are perfectly happy with who they are. I'm obviously not there yet. I need to find a way to be my own best cheerleader, especially since 99% of the time now I'm the only one there for me. I'm the only one that can stop myself from making bad choices and I'm the only one who can keep myself on the right track. If I can't find a way to do it alone these changes will never be lasting. I haven't given up, but I definitely need to fight harder for me. For my life.

Strong at the Broken Places

Every year the Department of Veterans Affairs does something special for Veterans Day on their website. Last year they featured all of the VA employees who are also Veterans by posting pictures of them in their uniforms from the time they served. This year they are debuting a new video called "Strong at the Broken Places" that will showcase Veterans overcoming their struggles and thriving in the civilian world. Being strong even though a part of them might have been or may seem broken.

The phrase "Strong at the Broken Places" is part of the larger quote pictured here from A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway. I haven't read this book, though I probably should, so when I heard the quote and explanation in relation to the project for Veterans day, it struck a chord with me, even though I have never served. The whole point of the quote, to me, is that life is tough for everyone, in some way, at some time. No one is without their own struggle, but it's these things that break us down that help to build us up and make us stronger.

I used to feel that I was a broken person. I felt I was living in a state of brokenness and wasn't fixable. I know now that isn't true. I was broken. Parts of my body were literally broken, my spirit was broken, but as it turns out neither were broken beyond repair. Titanium rods fixed my legs, and over the last few months CrossFit has taken care of the other parts that were broken. Recovering from my brokenness has also given me a new perspective on my situation. I chose this picture from a CrossFit event I participated in last weekend that benefited "No Greater Sacrifice" to accompany the quote. As I was working on the picture I started to think that it wasn't the right image. That I looked weak and broken and maybe I should chose one that made me look strong. The more I thought about it, even though this is usually how I end a WOD and I may feel that I'm going to die, this is actually when I feel the strongest and the most alive. I can look back on all that I've just accomplished and be proud of myself for making it through.

Most everyone in my life knows, now, about my story and my accident, but for a long time following the accident it was all that I was. EVERYONE knew, and I told the story so many times that it started to feel like something that hadn't happened to me, it was just this story I told. I wanted to avoid some people because they always brought it up or asked about it, of course out of love and concern, but it was difficult for me to have to keep living in that place. It's not a secret, or anything that I'm ashamed of, and I will still tell anyone that is curious all about it, but it's no longer my calling card. It's not, "Hi I'm Ginny and I was in a car accident" with everyone I meet. (Even though I do talk about it here quite a bit.)

I was fortunate enough to work the National Veterans Wheelchair Games this year and was inspired by the drive and determination of the Veterans competing and of the community spirit that they shared. I have seen the same thing in CrossFit, and have watched many Veterans compete in this sport as well. I am also excited to go to the Working Wounded Games next weekend as I'm sure it will be a very powerful event. Working with Veterans has also helped me to gain perspective on my life and I have a great amount of respect for every man and woman in this country that has put on a uniform and defended my freedom. It saddens me to see such young kids returning from overseas and the toll that fighting a war has taken on them, but at the same time I am inspired by the will of some of these young men and women to not let their experience define the person they are when they return to civilian life in a negative way. I am also inspired by the stories of the Veteran from WWII that was commanding an amphibious tank at 19 and the POW who escaped capture twice, and then came home and lived incredibly full lives. I could never imagine or pretend to understand what it's like to fight a war, but I have seen first-hand the effects of war. Injuries that are both seen and unseen, mental and physical battle scars. People who have been broken but are strong at their broken places.

Knowing the sacrifices that these Veterans have made to protect our country makes what I've been through not seem as bad and makes me grateful that I'm not really that broken at all anymore. It may seem stupid, and I'm sure annoying to some people when I say it to them, but I really am thankful every day that I wake up and am able to walk and do things for myself and not be broken. I do have to occasionally remind myself that I am blessed in this way, but knowing where I have come from and where I am now, it doesn't take long to take stock of what is great in my life.

This November I urge you all to think about what makes your life truly great, and what blessings you wake up to every day. Make sure you thank the Veterans and active duty military that you know for helping you keep them.