I struggled my first two years in college as a music major and when I realized that it wasn't working out and finally dropped my major, I found myself lost and unhappy. I decided to take the summer off after my sophomore year to re-evaluate things and the summer turned into a 3 year hiatus that involved working in several mundane retail and fast food jobs, interrupted by a year long recovery from my car accident. During this time I also worked at a community college bookstore - a position that paid well for someone lacking a college degree - and I really enjoyed my work there and the people that I worked with, but I didn't really see a solid, meaningful future in what I was doing.
After the accident, when I was looking for purpose and meaning in my life, for the reason that I had survived when three other children were taken from their families, my manager pointed out how well I interacted with a co-worker's young daughter and wondered if I had ever considered working with children. My goal as a music major was to be a high school band director and I hadn't really considered teaching elementary school, but her comment made me take a harder look at what I wanted out of life and I began to realize the difference that I could make teaching young children. I decided to leave behind my job at the bookstore (and the salary and benefits that it included) and return to school to finish my degree in Early Childhood Education.
The next 5 years were both rewarding and difficult. I found a great passion for working with children, in particular those with special needs, and for the subject matter and developmental theories, and everything connected with the world of the young child. Through my training to become a teacher I gained confidence speaking in front of groups (which I had previously struggled with to the point that I would freeze and tremble and be unable to speak) and I also discovered talents that I never knew I had. I even learned to love lesson plans. I had some great role models in my professors, cooperating teachers, and fellow students as well as some poor examples and difficult professors/cooperating teachers that also challenged me to find the positive lesson out of a negative situation.
After completing my student teaching my confidence was high, my knowledge was solid, and I was ready to take on the job market, get my own classroom, and start changing the world one young child at a time. What followed was a frustrating two year job search and many, many challenging days working in daycare. I had the misfortune of trying to enter a flooded job market with no experience, no Master's degree, right as the economy was heading into a nose dive. After spending 2 months out of work and going through three surgeries to combat an infection I most likely received from daycare and having been constantly sick with upper respiratory distress, my third interview (out of over 60 positions I had applied for) ended in another "thank you for applying but we've selected another candidate" letter. Faced with mounting medical bills and student loan payments I finally had to make the decision to look for a position outside of my field of study. My confidence was shot and I felt like a failure.
In the 2 years that have followed since I left daycare I have found rewarding work and a great position with the VA. Many other great changes have happened in my life as a result. I have been able to pay my bills and start CrossFit which has helped me get healthy and gain even more confidence in myself. I'm much happier now than I was before. I'm on a career path and I'm living on my own as a responsible adult. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that every situation leads us in the direction we were meant to go (and if not, something will eventually redirect us). If I had found a teaching job straight out of college, maybe I would have never met all of the great people at the VA or in my CrossFit communities. I haven't completely shut the door on teaching. In the back of my mind and in my heart it's still something that I am truly passionate about. My teaching license will expire in June of this coming year, but that doesn't mean that I will never teach or work with children in some way in the future.
The point of this rather long-winded chapter out of my history book is that the loss of several students from my high school in the past few weeks and the recent shooting in Connecticut have been weighing heavily on my heart. I have been told that my compassion is both a strength and a weakness. It would break my heart to learn about children who had terrible home lives, who lived in poverty and didn't get enough to eat, whose parents didn't care enough to make sure they wore a coat to school, who were abused and neglected by the people who should have loved and protected them the most. I was also known to be brought to tears during a parent teacher conference by a father's frustration and deep concern that his son not be seen as stupid because he struggled with reading. I often worried that I would get too involved in the lives of my students and would want to personally save every troubled child, to protect them from every harsh word and difficult situation thrown their way. I knew realistically to survive I would need to draw the boundary line and respect it, but I never wanted to completely lose my compassion for children as I have seen happen to other teachers.
I didn't know any of the students who have passed recently at my old high school and I can't imagine the difficulties facing the community of Newtown. As removed as I am from the situation I am still devastated by the senselessness of all those young lives lost. I ache for the families dealing with this loss and I could only hope I would be as brave as the teachers in that school who sacrificed themselves to save and protect the lives of their students if, God forbid, I was ever faced with such a tragedy.
Those who know me best know that I'm not the most religious person, and throughout my adult life I have struggled with my faith, especially at times like this when it should be stronger than ever. I do have faith that there is a greater plan in place, though we may not understand it, and I pray for peace and comfort for everyone involved in this tragedy. Loss is especially difficult during the holidays and has happened so often for so many people I know. This post was inspired by the following lyrics from a familiar Christmas song that seemed a particularly fitting prayer in light of everything that has happened.
In Thy tender care,
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there."
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