Probably one of the worst and most frustrating times in my life was the spring semester of my (first) senior year in college. I was living in my own apartment that year and I went home for Christmas. I had a day, maybe two back at school before I left to go to Ireland with the marching band for the New Year. I had decorated for Christmas and came back with all my gifts and didn't really have time to put anything away. I did my laundry, repacked, made sure I had my passport and all those other really important things one needs when going overseas for a week. Ireland was fine but involved a lot of walking and I was only about 2 years post accident at this point, so it also involved a lot of pain, which was frustrating because we went to Ireland to march in a parade that I wasn't able to march in. (I kinda hate parades, but that's beside the point.)
We got back from Ireland a day or two before the semester started, so barely enough time to get life situated again and get my books and supplies for my classes. The Christmas tree was still up. My presents were still stacked in the living room.
That semester was tough for a lot of reasons. I was chosen as president of my fraternity and had a lot of changes to make and drama to deal with. It was also when I started my education classes and preschool practicum. It was a lot for me to handle, and even though I was 3 years older than my peers, I quickly got overwhelmed. I was sleeping all the time, was in pain all the time, was struggling to meet deadlines, feeling like I was terrible as a teacher, and having mild panic attacks every time I had to speak in class or in meetings. I ate horribly and a lot. Sometimes to the point I thought I might throw up. I cried a lot. It's my go-to response when life becomes too much. The Christmas tree stayed up until April.
I've heard, probably on an HBO Lifestories: Families in Crisis, that people with eating disorders, particularly anorexia, often resort to disordered eating as a way to exact control over a life they feel they can't control. I tend to throw up my hands and surrender to the chaos, finding it impossible and futile to try to cling to anything if I can't hold on to everything. There's no use juggling if you only have one ball in the air, right? Then you just look like a pathetic clown who doesn't quite have her act together.
I'm realizing now, as strange as it sounds, that it would be much better if I acted more like an anorexic. I mean that in the sense that my health is, and has to be, the one thing I exact control over...especially when everything else is a mess. Like big changes at work, stressful workloads, new responsibilities, moving. I can't use stress as an excuse to give up.
I also found that life is much more manageable if you can find a way to force it to make sense. When I took over my new duties at work it was like I suddenly became the most popular girl in school over night (a la Teen Witch minus the magic powers). My email inbox that I'd prided myself on keeping well ordered and organized was a disaster and looked as if it were hemorrhaging. My clever system to color code action items in red became useless and daunting when the entire inbox was red.
Even though I'm normally a proponent of moving the office into the digital age and reducing our paper usage, sometimes the meat of what someone needs gets lost in the abyss of an inbox full of lengthy emails. I pulled out a notebook and made a To-Do list of all my action items and was able to reduce 3 weeks worth of emails down to about 30 that needed my attention. I was able to group several like tasks into one line on the list - Scan Minutes - Save VISN reports. Much more manageable than staring down 30 emails with their attachments, wondering where to start. After a week I'm almost all caught up even though my list ultimately stretched onto a second page.
I'm not really one to buy into cliché sayings (as much as everyone loves them, Eleanor Roosevelt quotes kinda make me dry heave) but as I've been trying to work through the stress of the last few weeks I keep coming back to the Serenity Prayer. To really be in control I guess I actually need to think more like an anorexic alcoholic. I need to be at peace with the things in life I can't control and be courageous enough to take control of the things I can change. I need to recognize the difference between the two and focus my energy on those things that will be the most beneficial.I wrote before about having one thing to change at a time. Mastering that one thing and moving on to the next. Chipping away at the big One Thing (improving my health) one little thing at a time. I am in control of that change. I'm the only one that can be in control so if I'm not driving that train there's no one else to take over. I've caused a derailment too many times to not know this to be a certainty.
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