Today was a rough day. They happen. I am still struggling to get my act together in all aspects of my life, and I'm not doing such a great job. It should be easy. Eat, sleep, work, WOD, lather, rinse, repeat. Not much else that I really have to worry about. Oh, but I also have to pay bills, and do laundry, and keep my apartment clean, and deal with an injury. What's that called again? Oh right, life. This is what everyone goes through. No one lives in a perfect bubble of a world where curve balls and speed bumps don't exist.
I clearly do not take well to change and get easily overwhelmed. This blog is part of what is helping me deal and work through it, but some days are just more difficult. For one reason or another things don't align just right and you're all out of sorts and before you know it you're having a terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad day. It all rolls down hill and ends up leaving you feeling like a Sam's Club size jar of Weak Sauce gasping for breath, dizzy, and having to sit out of part of your workout. Feeling like a failure.
I don't like feeling like this. Who does? I haven't felt like this in a long time and I'm not happy with the person I am when I let that feeling creep in. Well, to be honest I have been feeling like this since I moved, but BEFORE that I didn't feel this way and I've got to find a way to get back to feeling strong and awesome again. Maybe I shouldn't try to focus on so many changes at once, but I feel like if I drop even one of the balls I'm not gonna be as good of a juggler in the long run. I worry about only focusing on one thing to the detriment of all else. Right now I kinda feel like I'm doing everything halfway and getting nowhere.
The funny thing is that tonight I got more "good jobs" than on nights where I thought I did much better. Really? THAT was a good job?? I've got to stop being so hard on myself. Realistically I know that any work is better than no work. Showing up to workout tonight was half the battle. I always say, "as long as I'm trying, failure's not possible." I didn't fail tonight. I came, I warmed up, I did some work, I tried. I didn't get through everything and had to take more rest than usual, but all that I did do was way more than I would have done if I went home instead.
I've got to stop wearing my failure face and be more proud of myself on the nights that I struggle the most. I'm gonna take a few beats, catch my breath, and then reflect on the things I did well, instead of the things that were less than spectacular. Like tonight, when I couldn't do any more wall balls, or sumo dead lift high pulls, I did 1 minute AMRAP after 1 minute AMRAP of burpees. For many of them I was able to jump back onto my feet at the end. Burpees were one of the hardest (who am I kidding, they are still one of the hardest) movements for me. Getting down to the floor, shooting my feet out, jumping back up, fluidly? Not so much 5 months ago, but slowly I'm getting there and mastering the little steps in this one very basic movement is something I always go back to when measuring my progress. I still remember the days when I could only do them holding onto the weight bench, and how terrified I was when Amanda took my bench away. I need to bottle the feeling I got when I did my 30 birthday burpees and hold onto it tightly every time I feel weak in some other area.
I know I'm a long way from where I'd like to be, but everyday I walk through the door of the box it means I'm still on the journey, thus NOT a failure.
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