"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
You hear all the time, especially on reality competition shows, "This is my dream!" It doesn't always hold a great deal of weight when it comes from a 15 year old to hear that being on American Idol has been their dream "all their life" but if you think about it, what was the last thing that you focused on and worked for over the course of 15 years, or 5, or even one year? You watch 16, 17, 18 year old kids realizing their "dreams" by winning Olympic medals and "retiring" in their 20s from a sport they've been training in for the better part of their lives. I wonder what goes on mentally when you achieve your dreams at such a young age. Are you done dreaming, or do you get a new dream? Will the new dream mean as much as the original dream?
I've thought that I've had dreams in my life. When I was very young I was a gymnast. I watched young girls competing in the Olympics and I was going to move to Texas, train with Bela Karolyi alongside Kim Zmeskal and Keri Strug, go to the 2000 Olympics in Sydney and realize my "dream." It obviously didn't happen. I think that I was a pretty good gymnast and that I maybe could have made a go of it. It wasn't that criticism kept me from pursuing this course, or a lack of courage, but many more factors come into play for a child to follow their dream, and this one just wasn't meant to be.
As I've grown older, I worry that I've stopped dreaming and the things that I would have dreamed about as a child become merely things that I'd like to do. I think dreams require much more effort and planning. They require focus and determination, practice and intense study. Dreams are much more than a want, they are a deep desire and need to fulfill a wish. A wish that you had the courage enough to speak out loud. They require a willingness to "map out a course and follow it to an end" regardless of the costs. That's how you achieve a dream. Doing something that you merely want to do is a much less ambitious goal because it's easier to stop wanting something than it is to stop fulfilling a need. When you stop fulfilling your need to dream it leaves an ache in your soul similar to the ache you might feel when you fail to satisfy your need for food, but much more potent.
I sometimes feel like a failure for not having realized a dream. I know that I'm still relatively young and that there's still time for me to dream. I'm sure that many people count themselves lucky, and feel they live blessed lives, yet they may have never realized a dream. They have somehow found a peace in the life that they have made for themselves and have decided that this is what they had dreamed of, even if they didn't know it. I haven't yet found a way to reconcile the conflicting emotions that I feel over living a life I hadn't imagined for myself. I look back on things that I had planned that didn't pan out and wonder if I these were really dreams of mine that didn't come true, or if they were only things that I had wanted, but not enough to see them through? Did I fail to realize these dreams, or just decided on new ones? Did other factors intervene and throw up roadblocks I couldn't get around? Did I listen to the critics that said I wasn't a good enough musician to teach others, did I let the constant rejection from jobs I'd applied to cause me to doubt my merit as a teacher? If these were really my dreams, why didn't I stay the course? Why didn't I fight harder?
I have been thinking lately that I may have a new dream. I'm a pretty open book about my feelings and about discussing my shortcomings. I am open to sharing my successes and failures. I think I'm more open about my life and what goes on in my mind than I've ever been in my life and I think a lot of that is due to finding my courage and my voice over the last few months and beginning to feel like there are people that are willing to accept me as I am. For some reason though I'm afraid to have a new dream. I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to see it through and I'm reluctant to speak it out loud, make it real, and then not be able to achieve it. Maybe feeling this deeply about this potential dream means that it really is a dream and not just a want. If it was only something I wanted, would I be this worried about making it known to the world? Would I be worried that people might think it's stupid or criticize me for dreaming it?
For now I'm going to hold this dream close and work on my courage to let it become real. In the meantime I'm going to keep working on this dream and also on becoming happy with me so that the realization of this dream doesn't become all that I am. I think that I need to be able to stand on my own and be fulfilled enough with what is in order to allow myself to reach for something more. To be able to set a course and follow it to an end, even if that end isn't the one I'd planned on, and be okay with the outcome. I'll keep you posted. :)
This post's soundtrack brought to you by John Mayer:
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