Conquering Fears

I've been thinking more about fear lately and about how many things I don't fear anymore.

I remember being terrified to be in front of people for any reason, not very many years ago. I couldn't speak in front of a class of my peers without being paralyzed and shaking and forgetting my presentation. I had anxiety about standing in front of a group of 4 year-olds and teaching them a transitional song. I missed out on so much during college because I was afraid of putting myself out there. Even when I did, I was horribly uncomfortable and it took a lot of convincing before I would try it again.

I think that a big problem I had was a lack of confidence and this spilled over into many aspects of my life. As much as I loved playing music, I wasn't very successful as a musician. I knew that I wasn't as good as the other people in my studio and I think I had convinced myself that I never would be and didn't try very hard. I didn't play out confidently - this was a constant note from my professor in lessons. I didn't fully support my notes. Much like I did in life, I was trying to not be noticed when I played. I felt "less than" as a musician and I was afraid that if I played out I would make a mistake and everyone would know that I wasn't as good and that I didn't deserve to be there.

I had let myself believe all the wrong people who made me feel like I wasn't worthy. I listened to them more than the ones who loved me and believed in me. I listened to them and believed them and let what they thought of me define who I was. I don't do that anymore.

Coming to the realization that I am capable and have worthwhile things to offer has taken several years. I think the first thing that started the ball rolling was when my fraternity nominated and elected me to be president. I remember freaking out when the current president called me to ask if I was interested. I wasn't. I didn't think of myself as being that leader. At most I wanted to be the vice president. After thinking it over I stood in front of the sisterhood to tell them why I wanted to be president. Trembling, sick to my stomach, terrified. It was a tough year and I had to make a lot of hard decisions and not every one was a good one. Every week I faced the sisterhood and lead meetings. I memorized large chunks of information that I had to recite in front of everyone. I made plans and delegated responsibilities and organized events. By the end of the year I wasn't afraid of speaking in front of my friends anymore.

Another thing that helped me gain confidence was training to become a teacher. The same year I was president of my fraternity, my practicum placement was with 4 year olds. You would think that kids would be easier than adults, but this wasn't always the case. Over the next few semesters I worked in second grade, then first, and I did my student teaching in kindergarten and third grade. Each semester I gained more and more confidence in the material I presented and I was more comfortable leading the class. When I finished student teaching I was more confident in my abilities than I had ever been. I felt that I had made a great connection with my third graders and that I had made a solid contribution to their lives. I felt capable.

When I wasn't able to get a teaching job I definitely felt my confidence slip back a few notches. The next few years were difficult for me and I started to feel myself becoming that girl again. The one who was afraid and felt unworthy. The one who didn't want to be noticed. And during this time I also started to gain a lot of weight again. Funny how that happens...except not funny at all. Sad really.

When I started CrossFit I still had that mentality. I wasn't confident that I could do anything. I was afraid of getting hurt. I doubted my abilities. I didn't want people to watch me "work out" and didn't want to get in the way of the athletes doing the real work. One of my coaches described me as "apologetic." I kept coming anyway. I pushed through those fears. Slowly my coaches helped me see that I was capable and there were things I could do. They were supportive and encouraging and they believed in me, which helped me begin to believe in myself.

I still surprise myself with my courage. Since I moved I have done so many things that the old me never would have. I have dropped in at boxes in several different cities and even though I was a little nervous in each new situation, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't apologetic about my presence. I was excited to learn and take advantage of the new opportunity and proud to represent my box and my coaches by letting everyone see what I could do.

I am exploring my city a little a time, going out on my own and seeking out new adventures. I drive on giant, scary highways. Every day.

I am putting myself out there and signing up for weightlifting and CrossFit competitions where I can't hide in the back of a room and work out in solitude. I have to stand on a platform or on a makeshift competition "stage" with lots of people watching. In spandex! This is still relatively new to me and still makes me super nervous. I'm hoping the more I do it, the less it will scare me. I have 3 competitions coming up in the next 6 months.

I still have a lot to work on and there are still certain fears that hold me back. I still fear change, a little. I'm working on it. I hesitate to say that I'm fearless, because it's just not true. I am less fearful every day and I think that's a big part of my journey. Pushing my limits and kicking through those walls continuously until they no longer exist. Finding my strength when I feel weak. Seeking out happiness, even if it means making big changes. Conquering fears.