Not Quite the Finish Line

It's hard to believe that I'm only two and half weeks away from my 1 year anniversary. I was hoping to be in a little bit better place at this point of the journey. It was unfortunate that April had to follow March, because March is pretty terrible. It has been for the last 9 years. I don't really like March and March doesn't really like me.

This March was a little better than previous Marches because at least the Open gave me something to look forward to every week and gave me little goals along the way to keep me going, but overall March was pretty crappy, as per usual. I didn't eat very well, I wasn't feeling at my best most days, I wasn't very motivated, I had the blahs and the sads on more days than I care to relive. I felt so crappy that I went home sick from work one day and took an 11 hour nap that I obviously really needed. Ultimately all of those things go hand in hand. I kicked one little pebble and set an avalanche of suck in motion that came crashing into April in spectacular fashion.

Now that the dust has had a day to settle I realize that the only thing to do is stand up, dust myself off, and climb back up the mountain. The good news is that I don't think I fell too terribly far, but I definitely have some ground to make up. I think the problem was that I allowed myself to give in to the excuse that March always sucks for me and allowed March to be terrible. I used it as an excuse to wallow. I retreated back to being the girl from last March and instead of being in a much, much better place going into this April, I feel a lot like I did last year before I started this journey, and it's not a good place to be.

I'm not without a plan. My plan is to continue to change. As I tend to do, I've been thinking a lot this past month and almost made a really drastic change before I had a chance to really think it all the way through and explore every option. I will be making a big change this coming month though and I've basically already started. I just haven't completely wrapped my head around how I feel about it yet and can't quite formulate my thoughts enough to write about it...but stay tuned. Going into my second year I've also got a pretty awesome new source of motivation.

One of the only really good things that happened this month is that my oldest sister got engaged. Up until the last few years our family has been really, really close. I have three sisters and we all lived at home much longer than is probably considered normal. My sisters all lived in the same city while the youngest two were in college and I sometimes feel that made them a little closer to each other than they were to me, so much so that my oldest sister's coworkers were convinced I didn't really exist because they'd never met me. I do have special bonds with all of my sisters and being so far away from them all now has been really difficult for me. I miss them very much and I miss being around people who love me and getting hugs and speaking in nothing but movie quotes and having our private jokes and just getting to share my life with them. We don't talk nearly enough and we don't see each other enough and in the next year I hope that changes.

I'm really excited for sister's upcoming wedding and getting to spend time with all of my sisters (hopefully this summer) and getting to be a bridesmaid for the first time. Other than being healthy, what better motivation could I have than to look awesome in my dress at her wedding? There are too many family photos of us that I love, except that I hate the way I look in them. I'm sick of not wanting to be in pictures because I'm ashamed of how I look. Over the last year that is one thing I've gotten much more comfortable with. Just looking through Facebook I have many more pictures of myself from the last year than in any of the previous years. Pictures where I'm actually smiling and proud of the way I look. Continuing to feel that way is motivation for me to keep going.

I never saw the 1 year mark as a finish line, just a check-point, and that's still the way I see it. I knew I wouldn't be where I wanted to be in just a year. It took longer than that for me to get myself in the mess I was in and it will take longer than a year to get me out of it. The goals that I have for myself are going to take me longer than a year to achieve. As much as I would like to be completely awesome right now, I know that what I want takes more work and determination and time. Lots of time. The next two weeks leading up to my next competition will help me usher in new changes, with new goals, new motivation, and a new resolve to work towards the next level of a new me.