Strength

Something that I guess I've known but re-realized in the last few weeks is that the me that I show the world is not the same one that comes out when I'm alone. I don't think I'm unique in this regard. Rarely do you find someone that is completely open to the world - there's always a private side to everyone that few will ever see. I think that I've been pretty open about struggling with my diet and I've never tried to make it seem like I'm perfect, but I've noticed that I make better choices when I know that others will see them than I do when I'm by myself. The me that I let people see is a much stronger person, the person that I wish I was all the time.

My biggest struggle over the last year hasn't been doing the work, the physical work of weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely had struggles in WODs and had to push through injuries, but going to the gym and getting the work done hasn't really been the hard part. I like working out and feeling exhausted and trying new things and lifting heavy stuff and throwing it down. It's fun and I like being around the people at the box and being a part of the community. There have been times where I haven't been feeling great and I've had to force myself to go to the gym, but very seldom have I ever left thinking "I wish I hadn't come today."

Where I've struggled the most is internally. My inner strength and resolve has been the piece that has been my weakest point over the last year, especially when it comes to my diet, because that's the piece that is most often out of the eyes of others. I eat most of my meals alone so there really isn't anyone to judge me or enforce my choices, and this is a big problem for me. For as long as I can remember, and apparently even before I remember I was a sneaky eater. I've heard stories about me as a toddler climbing up on the counter and sitting on top of the refrigerator getting Popsicles out of the freezer and hiding Little Debbie wrappers in the couch cushions, so this is clearly not a new problem. I don't know why, but I still do stuff like this. Living up here alone, no one knows if I go have pizza or eat an entire pint of ice cream, so I do it and don't tell anyone, and it's like it never happened, right? Terrible attitude. Terrible way to live. So destructive. All the hard work that I do in the gym is just getting sabotaged by not being as strong in private as I am in public.

I can be strong and I can make good choices, I've proven it to myself over and over again. I am stronger than food, but more often than not I'm stronger for others than I am for me. At work there are always temptations - cupcakes in the kitchen, going out for frozen yogurt or coffee - at work I am usually always strong and it feels good to stand firm and say no. When I'm faced with those temptations on my own - in the grocery store or on the drive home - I don't fight myself as hard as I fight against other people. I don't tell myself no, I don't stand up for what I've chosen to be the way I want to live, I give in easier. Why won't I fight for myself and be strong because I know it's the best thing for ME?! Why don't put as much stock in how I view myself as I do in how others view me? Why don't I think that just feeling good about myself is a good enough reason to make the right choice? Why am I not enough?

I need to be strong on my own. I need to strengthen my mind and my soul. I need to love me enough to be strong for me. Now, more than ever before. Many times over the last 9 months I've felt like I'm totally alone in this journey, even though I've had a lot of virtual support and I've been working out with others and I've had coaches and teammates, I've still felt very alone. It's about to become more than a feeling. The expense of living in DC has finally caught up with me and I'm going to have to take some time to focus on getting things caught up and back on track. Unfortunately the only expense that I have that I can cut back on is weightlifting and CrossFit. I've tried to find another way to make things work and taking a break from both of those things is the only conclusion I've been able to come to.

I'm sick about this decision. I'm dreading it. It's going to suck. I've convinced myself of this already. It doesn't feel like the right decision, but I don't know what else to do. My outlook thus far has been that CrossFit is what is helping me save my life and I've given it top priority to the detriment of many other things and I just can't seem to make it work anymore. Beyond the financial struggle, trying to make CrossFit work in my life made everything else more difficult. I'm paying more to commute, spending more time commuting, going longer without eating, eating late, getting home late, sleeping less. I spend more time in pain and tired and feeling beat down - I don't feel like I'm able to recover. I don't feel like my life is set up in such a way that I can be successful.

What really worries me is that I'm taking away the only thing that makes me happy and my only source of social interaction. I'm worried about staying strong under those conditions. I'm worried about being strong enough to not only stay on track with my diet, which I've already been having trouble with, but now staying on track with working out. I've been doing CrossFit for over a year now, so I've learned a lot and I know there are many things I can do without a barbell and equipment to keep myself in shape while I'm on this break. The hard thing is going to be keeping myself accountable and motivated to actually do it. To not come home every night and sit on the couch for hours and then go to bed. To keep myself interested in working out when I don't have anyone to motivate me. I think that was a big reason why I wasn't able to stick with any kind of exercise program before - I lacked the motivation and drive and initiative and I needed the support of others to help keep me on track. So what am I going to do now? How am I going to do?

I'm more scared to take the next few steps forward than I have been since the first day I stepped into a CrossFit box. I've come too far and made too much progress to let it all slip away from me, I'm just terrified of how difficult it's going to be to stay strong by myself, for no one else but me. This next chapter is truly me against me. I don't want to have fight this fight alone, but if I can make it to the other side, I think I'll be much stronger for it.