March hasn't been a good month for me in a long time, for good reason, but if the last few weeks are any indication of what's to come I feel like I'm set up for a pretty amazing month.
I've been on the #roadto100 for 8 weeks now and, though it's been challenging, I'm currently feeling pretty good about the process. I've gotten my food prepped every week, I'm increasing my water intake, I'm losing weight, I feel like my endurance has drastically improved during workouts, and the most exciting development is that I've started lifting more than an empty bar in class.
My overall goal is becoming fitter by losing weight so I've been trying not to push the weightlifting aspect too much. As much as I may want to be a "badass weightlifter" one day down the road, that's not my focus until I get down much closer to my goal weight. I have to admit though that it's definitely more fun to lift heavy things along the way and to find out that I still can lift them.
Since about December of 2013 I have scaled almost everything to around 35lb-55lb lifts, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less depending on how I was feeling on the given day. I wasn't cleaning or snatching from the floor, only doing hang power or hip versions of the lifts, often subbing dumbbells for the barbell. It took me a long time to be okay with doing all that and to fully realize it was the best course of action. Because I'm stubborn and impatient.
If I learned nothing else over the last 15 months or so, it was what my limits were and the importance of being honest about them. As much as I still question it, I know the difference between being injured and hurting. I learned where the line was, when to push up against it, and when to back away. I learned that it was more important to just move and move safely than it was it move big weights. I learned that I'm the only one that knows what's going on with my body and I can't be effectively coached if I don't share that information.
About the time all that finally clicked in, like a few months ago, was pretty much when I was healed enough to start thinking about pushing a little more. The problem was that I was now afraid and I started using that fear as an excuse. When I started pushing more in workouts and it got tougher I was quick to blame my back. To use that impending tightness as an excuse to stop, not trusting that I was capable of doing more without hurting myself.
In just the last 2 weeks I've been given (what I hope is) the green light to start testing myself even more - putting weight on the bar, lifting from the floor, participating in the Open. I've been on top of the world in these two weeks because as scared as I've been of getting under heavy weights again, it honestly feels amazing and so far what I've been able to do is pretty damn close to what I could do before I got hurt. What scares me now is getting carried away. I'm scared that I'll get over confident, try to lift too much, and end up getting injured again.
CrossFit media recently released a series of videos showing behind the scenes footage and interviews from the 2014 CrossFit Games. What stuck with me was the frequency with which "mental game" came up from multiple athletes. More than any one physical skill, it seemed that athletes credited the mental aspect as a weakness they've worked on, a strength that gives them an edge over their competitors, and a part of their training that made the biggest impact. It's important for me too because I think my head holds me back more than my physical limitations.
It's not that I don't trust my knowledge or my coaching. I have trouble trusting myself to make smart decisions. I have trouble trusting that my body won't let me down. I constantly question everything and get paralyzed by a need to do everything "right" and to be reassured that I am in fact doing it right.
So that's where I am now. Learning to walk that line between recognizing the fear and allowing it to control me. The difference between pushing the limits and rushing into things with reckless abandon. Being excited about lifting again but not getting so caught up in my numbers and PRs that I start losing sight of my real goal. Trusting that after almost 3 years I know myself and my abilities well enough to make smart decisions about my training.
The 2015 CrossFit Games Open starts tonight and since I had to sit out last year I'm more excited than ever to participate. I'm probably going to do the scaled version of all the workouts, but I really am okay with it. I plan to step into the Friday Night Lights each week with realistic expectations, with a plan to focus on keeping things in perspective thoughout the 5 week competition, and in doing so, not be afraid that I'm not good enough, strong enough, or healed enough to push my limits.
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