Fighting

The last six weeks have not been easy, or fun, or exciting. They've been challenging and full of daily inner struggles that have been more difficult than they need have been. But surprisingly, I'm making it through. I'd like to say that each day is a little easier, but I'm honestly still going back and forth between, "this isn't so bad" and "why the hell am I putting myself through this?" Sometimes hourly.

I try to make it simple and tell myself that it's not going to be fun right now, that this is the time for hard work. The plan is easy, everything is laid out for me, all I have to do is exactly what I've been told. I tell myself that I can choke down all the raw spinach in the world, no big deal. But it sucks. Most days, it sucks. 

And that's the fight of it. Doing the hard work, no matter how much it sucks, because you want something much more satisfying than a tasty breakfast. Because as uncomfortable as you feel running, or squatting, or doing burpees... living at over 300 pounds hurts more. 

And I know that it's worth it and that the day will come when it's fun again and that someday everything won't suck so much, but I have to push through all the tough days to get back there. My challenge though is to make the fight more rewarding in the moment. To not get so stuck on the idea that it's difficult and find the little pockets of joy along the way. Recognizing when things are easier to do. Like running again and being less winded. Doing a full length bear crawl. Not having to stop in the middle of every workout to ask for a modification. 

I don't want to look back on this time and feel like I spent it being miserable when I should be proud of the work I'm doing to be a better me. All the choices I've made are my own - I've accepted this challenge, chosen to follow this plan, and put my trust in it. No one is forcing me.  So, the experience can really only be as miserable as I choose to perceive it to be, and it's about time for a new outlook.