Motivation

"You are CrossFit. What's good about it is you."
 ~Greg Glassman, CrossFit Founder/CEO

Call it obsession, drinking the kool-aid, joining the cult...or just making a choice to have a better life and not settling for mediocre any longer. They say that you know your friend does CrossFit because it's all they talk about. I guess this is true for me, but right now I don't really have anything else going on in my life. What else would I talk about? I've found that the most interesting, passionate conversations that I've had with both friends and strangers in the last 7 months have revolved around me explaining the greatness that is CrossFit and exactly what it is I love so much about it.

It's not like I'm some CrossFit missionary, knocking on the doors of unassuming neighbors asking, "Do you know Rich Froning?" These conversations start in all sorts of ways. Sometimes I'll get a message out of nowhere, from someone I haven't talked to in months, asking me what this CrossFit business is all about. I've even had a 10 minute conversation with a stranger at a restaurant who asked what the symbol on my sweatshirt signified (the WOD Addiction kettle bell skull). "Oh I've heard about CrossFit, is it some kind of exercise program? Is it like P90X?"

I was realizing as I told the stranger about CrossFit that I led with the basics about the work we do, but the bulk of the conversation wasn't about the finer points of burpees or kipping pull-ups. I didn't define the CrossFit glossary and bombard him with WOD this and AMRAP that. I didn't even name-drop Fran. Those aren't the parts of CrossFit that are going to convince someone to step in a box & change their life, in my humble opinion. I told him about the community, and the support, and the encouragement. I told him how much you hurt, but how good it feels to gauge how hard you worked by how wiped out you are at the end of the hour. I told him how taking my first step into the box was the best decision I had ever made. I told him how the person who finishes last gets cheered for just as much, if not more, than the person who finishes first. I told him how this is usually me. He jokingly implied that I must finish last on purpose.

His comment stuck with me for awhile after I left and got me to thinking about my motivation. I obviously don't finish last on purpose, but I still don't think that I always push myself to give as much as I can. I find that I really do feed off of the encouragement that I get from others and always feel like I can do more and do it better when I have that support. I feel like I struggle more and rest more when I don't have someone else pushing me. This is a problem. I think I've been spoiled and it's made me into a needy person. It worries me.

When I found out I had to move before I had planned, I was scared. I was worried that I wasn't ready and wasn't strong enough to continue my journey on my own. That without my support system around me I was sure to fail and backslide. The worst week that I had had up to that point was the first week that I was away from the box by myself. I am apparently the queen of self-fulfilling prophecies. I fear that I am beginning to speak this sentiment into existence. No matter how many times someone tells me that I am strong enough, and I can do it...sitting here alone day after day, making all these choices on my own with no one to back them up, I find myself struggling to believe it. To believe in myself. To make the right choices when no one is around to see me make them. To be motivated and stay motivated for no one else's benefit than mine.

I think most people want to feel important and validated. It's human to want to feel loved and cared about, like what you do matters. I know that's how I would prefer to feel, especially since I didn't feel that way for so long. Now that I've gotten a taste of what that feels like, I don't like going back to the way I felt before. It's hard to come home and not have anyone to share your day with or to feel like you're a loose thread pulled out of a blanket into which you used to be so tightly woven.

It has become a problem for me to need this so much. I can't say that I'm truly happy with myself if I still feel like I need others to validate me. There are people out there who don't care what others think, good or bad, and are perfectly happy with who they are. I'm obviously not there yet. I need to find a way to be my own best cheerleader, especially since 99% of the time now I'm the only one there for me. I'm the only one that can stop myself from making bad choices and I'm the only one who can keep myself on the right track. If I can't find a way to do it alone these changes will never be lasting. I haven't given up, but I definitely need to fight harder for me. For my life.