From Day One

This week leading up to my one year anniversary has been really stressful and I've been taking stock of all the things in my life that have changed over the last twelve months. I have a pretty creative mind and active imagination, but I never would have dreamed this last year of my life. I am so glad that I started this journey and I want to thank someone who is responsible for helping me start it.

Even though my first day of CrossFit was April 21st, when I did my first Saturday novice WOD, my CrossFit journey actually began 3 days earlier on Wednesday (pretty much a year ago today). For several months prior I had passed a small brick building in downtown Roanoke on the way to and from work. I watched people running down the street, lifting weights, and I noticed the sign on the windows, www.brickhousecrossfit.com - "I'll have to look that up..." I would tell myself. I kept forgetting by the time I got to work.

After I got back from a business trip in Charleston where I had been unable to walk a mile without excruciating pain, I took note of Brickhouse again. This time I remembered to check out the website. I spent the next few weeks reading and re-reading all about WODs, and infinitely scaleable, high intensity, functional movements, and watching athlete profile videos, and looking at all the great pictures of all the Brickhouse athletes. I really wanted it to be something I could do, but I was convinced that because of my size and my jacked up legs that it would be too difficult.

For some reason I couldn't give up on the idea and with a doctor's appointment looming that I was sure would be painful and disappointing, I summoned up my courage for the first time and spent a good hour drafting the perfect email to adequately explain my unique situation and choosing the exact right words without sounding too crazy and full of excuses, took a deep breath and hit send. As fate would have it, the server blocked the email and it bounced back.

I had two choices, give up, or go ask my questions in person. As I drove back by the little brick building on my way home, I noticed everyone was running outside and there was a guy standing by the front door with a "Coach" shirt on. I pulled into a parking spot the next street over and walked back down to the little brick building and stepped tentatively into the door to find the guy in the "Coach" shirt, and that's when my journey began. I started asking questions and he started explaining, all the while keeping an eye on the other athletes. He patiently listened and firmly knocked down each excuse I put up - "but what about my knees, I was in a car wreck?" - "what about the floor and the weight plates, I'm allergic to rubber?" - "How do I get started?"

I left the little brick building that night still freaked out and nervous, but I went home and signed up for the novice WOD, talked my doctor into giving me the okay the next day, and never looked back. I truly believe that my talk with this coach played a huge role in convincing me that I could do CrossFit. That he believed I could do it before he even saw me try. When he became my main CrossFit coach a few weeks later I got to see first hand that not only did he believe in me, but he cared about me succeeding. In the beginning it was really important to have a coach that took the time to teach me and support me and reassure me. As time went on, another important thing that he did for me was be the person who would push me, and not let me quit, and call me out on my nonsense.

As much as I needed the calm and understanding coach, I needed the firm "put more weight on the bar", "why don't you try running 400 meters?", "just do it", "do you want this?", "where's your hook grip?" coach even more. Every time quitting or stopping even flew into my mind, he would appear beside me to knock those thoughts out of my head with a "you've got this" or "forget about the number, just keep moving." When I was secretly pleading for a coach to come over and let me stop doing crab walks because I was clearly struggling, or tell me that I didn't really have to do 80 jumping pull-ups - 15 was plenty, I am glad he never did because I needed to have a person in my life who wouldn't let me quit. Who wouldn't let me off easy. Who wasn't going to put up with my excuses. Who would convince me to show up even when I thought I was too sore.

I played rec softball and and JV volleyball and threw shot and discus on the track team my senior year, but I never had great connections with any of those coaches. In fact, most of my experiences with sports coaches were not very good. I know that I'm needy and I appreciate the fact that someone like me can be a lot of work, especially in the beginning. It's probably much more difficult to mold a hard block of clay into something than it is to work with something that's already a little more malleable, like a college athlete. I'm glad that he found it worth the extra effort. Even though he hasn't been my coach for almost 8 months now, I consider my first CrossFit coach a good friend and he is still a person who is there for me and patiently answers my questions (even though I'm sure he rolls his eyes at his computer screen) and does his best to reassure me and support me from 5 hours away. He also still calls me out when I'm being ridiculous and making excuses.

Getting to be there for my coach.

Coach Adam has been part of my journey since day one and I don't know that it would have even started without him. I'm glad that he'll be able to coach me through my competition on Sunday as this first year of my journey comes to an end. If you don't have a person like this in your life, you need to get one. Your person doesn't have to be a CrossFit coach, but I think everyone needs someone in their life who is not only there for them, but who pushes them to be better, and calls them out on their foolishness. It could be a friend, family member, coworker... but find someone who pushes you outside of your comfort zone and leads you to the edge of cliffs you didn't think you'd come close to jumping off, but who you know won't let you fall on your face - or will at least be there to laugh with you and then help you back up when you do.

When the Going is Tough

I thought things were difficult when I started CrossFit. I thought that it was scary and challenging and painful. It was not a comfortable situation physically, emotionally, socially...CrossFit was difficult because it was so outside of my comfort zone. It was actually more difficult living with being overweight, living in pain, and being miserable. Changing your life is difficult, but looking back, starting wasn't the hardest part. The first four months weren't even that hard. When everything is new and exciting and everyday brings a new challenge and a new PR, that's the easy part. When it's fun and things get comfortable, that's when it's easy.

I'm finding that what is difficult is sticking with something when it isn't new, and isn't fun, and when you don't get a PR everyday. Keeping up with your training when you don't see immediate results. Continuing to try when you struggle and feel like you aren't making progress. Showing up when you don't feel your best. Not wanting to, but doing it anyway. Deciding that maybe your current path isn't the right one at this moment, that's pretty difficult.

And that's where I've found myself over the last two months. In a bit of a crisis of faith that what I'm doing is the right thing. I've found myself questioning if maybe it shouldn't be such a struggle and should be more fun. Wondering if I'm really trying my hardest, or if I even want to try any more. Bouncing back and forth between grasping for new resolve with a renewed attitude and spirit and just trudging through the motions.

For a number of reasons, all this questioning has brought me to a bit of a crossroads. After much discussion with people whose wisdom and opinions I value, I've decided to take a bit of a different path for awhile. I like to think of it as a parallel route, with several cross streets along the way that I can turn back on at any point in the future. I'm not completely leaving CrossFit behind, but I am going to put it on hold for now. I love CrossFit and everything that I have accomplished so far and I had a great time competing in the Open, but I feel like my heart is in a bit of a different place right now.

Me and Cara, my Olympic lifting coach

Many people use CrossFit as supplementary training for another sport and up until now I haven't had another sport, but I've found myself really drawn to the Olympic lifting aspect of CrossFit. I'm not the greatest lifter yet, but I feel like it's one area where I have the potential to excel. I enjoy how deceptively simple the snatch and clean and jerk are and I like being able to focus on all the nuances of those two lifts. Over the past two months I've starting training with an Olympic lifting coach and I am going to continue this going forward. I only have one competition scheduled right now, in two weeks, but I look forward to training hard and competing more over the next year.

I will continue to train at District CrossFit and I'm signed up for CrossFit competitions in June and September that I still plan to do. CrossFit just won't be my main training focus for now. I'm excited to see what I can do in the sport of Olympic weightlifting and what I can do with focused training and coaching on my lifts. This is going to be a new start for me and I need to remember that the starting isn't the hardest part. I'm a little nervous to start a new chapter of my journey, but that's what this whole last year has been about. Being courageous in the face of change.

Not Quite the Finish Line

It's hard to believe that I'm only two and half weeks away from my 1 year anniversary. I was hoping to be in a little bit better place at this point of the journey. It was unfortunate that April had to follow March, because March is pretty terrible. It has been for the last 9 years. I don't really like March and March doesn't really like me.

This March was a little better than previous Marches because at least the Open gave me something to look forward to every week and gave me little goals along the way to keep me going, but overall March was pretty crappy, as per usual. I didn't eat very well, I wasn't feeling at my best most days, I wasn't very motivated, I had the blahs and the sads on more days than I care to relive. I felt so crappy that I went home sick from work one day and took an 11 hour nap that I obviously really needed. Ultimately all of those things go hand in hand. I kicked one little pebble and set an avalanche of suck in motion that came crashing into April in spectacular fashion.

Now that the dust has had a day to settle I realize that the only thing to do is stand up, dust myself off, and climb back up the mountain. The good news is that I don't think I fell too terribly far, but I definitely have some ground to make up. I think the problem was that I allowed myself to give in to the excuse that March always sucks for me and allowed March to be terrible. I used it as an excuse to wallow. I retreated back to being the girl from last March and instead of being in a much, much better place going into this April, I feel a lot like I did last year before I started this journey, and it's not a good place to be.

I'm not without a plan. My plan is to continue to change. As I tend to do, I've been thinking a lot this past month and almost made a really drastic change before I had a chance to really think it all the way through and explore every option. I will be making a big change this coming month though and I've basically already started. I just haven't completely wrapped my head around how I feel about it yet and can't quite formulate my thoughts enough to write about it...but stay tuned. Going into my second year I've also got a pretty awesome new source of motivation.

One of the only really good things that happened this month is that my oldest sister got engaged. Up until the last few years our family has been really, really close. I have three sisters and we all lived at home much longer than is probably considered normal. My sisters all lived in the same city while the youngest two were in college and I sometimes feel that made them a little closer to each other than they were to me, so much so that my oldest sister's coworkers were convinced I didn't really exist because they'd never met me. I do have special bonds with all of my sisters and being so far away from them all now has been really difficult for me. I miss them very much and I miss being around people who love me and getting hugs and speaking in nothing but movie quotes and having our private jokes and just getting to share my life with them. We don't talk nearly enough and we don't see each other enough and in the next year I hope that changes.

I'm really excited for sister's upcoming wedding and getting to spend time with all of my sisters (hopefully this summer) and getting to be a bridesmaid for the first time. Other than being healthy, what better motivation could I have than to look awesome in my dress at her wedding? There are too many family photos of us that I love, except that I hate the way I look in them. I'm sick of not wanting to be in pictures because I'm ashamed of how I look. Over the last year that is one thing I've gotten much more comfortable with. Just looking through Facebook I have many more pictures of myself from the last year than in any of the previous years. Pictures where I'm actually smiling and proud of the way I look. Continuing to feel that way is motivation for me to keep going.

I never saw the 1 year mark as a finish line, just a check-point, and that's still the way I see it. I knew I wouldn't be where I wanted to be in just a year. It took longer than that for me to get myself in the mess I was in and it will take longer than a year to get me out of it. The goals that I have for myself are going to take me longer than a year to achieve. As much as I would like to be completely awesome right now, I know that what I want takes more work and determination and time. Lots of time. The next two weeks leading up to my next competition will help me usher in new changes, with new goals, new motivation, and a new resolve to work towards the next level of a new me.

An Eye Opening Experience

I just finished week three of the CrossFit Games Open. For the non-CrossFit readers out there, the Open is a worldwide competition that is "open" to everyone. Even people who have never ever set foot in a CrossFit box. If you've got the drive and $20 and can get yourself judged at an affiliate or by submitting a video, you're in the running. It's the first step towards qualifying for the CrossFit Games, which is basically the Super Bowl of our sport. Imagine what it would be like to be able to pay $20 for the chance to compete in the Olympics. To be in the running with the best athletes in the world. Testing and proving your fitness within your community and across the globe. It's pretty awesome. You're a CrossFit Games Open Athlete and you get one of these on the official CrossFit Games website:

Every week CrossFitters worldwide are glued to their computers waiting for the announcement of the next Open WOD - the workout they will have to attempt along with everyone else in order to submit a score by the deadline. The movements are unpredictable and the standards are high. Each week the test gets more difficult and is designed to whittle the field of tens of thousands down to the best of the best in each region who then compete for a spot at the Games this summer. Everyone, from athletes who have only been doing CrossFit for a few weeks, to Grandparents, to adaptive athletes and those competing injured, to the elite athletes and past games competitors (and winners), and every level of ability in between, takes on the same WOD and posts their scores to be ranked with everyone else.

The best part of the Open is that beyond the competitions for fittest in the region and fittest in the world, everyone has a weekly opportunity to be fittest in their gym, fittest in their age group, or even fittest self they've ever been. You can measure yourself against a random stranger from Australia, against the scores you posted in last year's Open (especially when workouts get repeated as was the case this week), or even against the score you posted last week. Some people (like me) know that there is no chance on the planet that they'll even make it to regionals and that the Annie Thorisdottirs and Rich Fronings of the world don't even blink at the sight of their score, but in the grand scheme of things that's not what the Open is about for them. That's not what it's about for me.

I hesitated to register for the Open at first based on the fact that you have to do the WOD RX'd (or "As Prescribed" in CrossFit terms - basically exactly as written). The beauty of CrossFit is that it's universally scalable making it accessible to people like me who can't necessarily do every single movement RX'd yet. That isn't the case in the Open. In Darwinian fashion the WODs are designed to weed out the people like me. If you don't have muscle-ups and they're in the WOD, you try to do one until the time runs out, but obviously you're not going to score as high as someone who can do them. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. I've seen many people in just these first three weeks do things that they never thought possible. People adding 10lbs or more to their snatch PR because the prescribed weight is what the prescribed weight is and they might as well try to snatch it... And much to their surprise they were able to do it!

The Open and the environment that it creates pushes people out of their comfort zones and allows them to reach for what they never dreamed was possible. It's an incredible thing to watch. To know someone in your box that's been working on muscle-ups all year (or longer) only to come "thisclose" and not get one and yet after 150 wall balls and 90 double-unders, they jump up on the rings, swing, pull, push, and there they are locked out at the top, exhausted but triumphant. And everyone watching who knows how hard they've struggled to master that skill erupts in screams and thunderous applause. When was the last time you got to be a part of a moment full of that much joy?

I haven't really had a great moment like that in the Open so far. I've set little goals for myself during each phase and I've only met or passed the goal once in three weeks. For the first week I wanted to get through the first 3 parts of the WOD to the 75lb snatches and was 5 burpees short. The second week I wanted to beat my first round score and get through 3 full rounds. I ended up only 10 reps short of 5 rounds! This week the first part of the WOD was 150 wall balls (also know as the benchmark WOD "Karen"). I knew I didn't have double-unders or muscle-ups so I thought of 13.3 in terms of just finishing the benchmark under the 12 minute time cap. I was 21 wall balls short.

It has been a little difficult for me to put all this into perspective in the moment. My first thought at the end of each WOD is always about whether I did or did not meet my goal. What I really ought to focus on is my performance beyond the Open. I need to look at the larger picture. Even though I didn't start CrossFit until after the Open last year, I can still compare myself to last year, just like the people that did compete in the Open. With all my scores at zero last year, I can look at what I just accomplished and know that it is more than I would have been able to do a year ago. I can marvel at the things I can do now that I wasn't able to do 11 months ago. When I started I couldn't do burpees at all. In 13.1 I did 65. In April I did step-ups on 2 weight plates. In 13.2 I stepped up on 20 inch box. In May last year I struggled through a "Half Karen" - 75 wall balls at only 6lbs. For 13.3 I was able to do 129 with a 14lb ball. Even though my scores are low on the leaderboard, I've gone up in the rankings each week so far. Improvement is improvement, no matter how small, and for me those are all HUGE improvements.

I may be in the bottom 50% in the region and in the world, but that's okay. I knew going in that I wouldn't be one of the top 48 athletes to go to Regionals. I obsessively check the leaderboard all day on Sunday and get a little disappointed as more scores get posted and my ranking drops lower and lower and lower. I tell myself the number doesn't matter, but much like I try to tell myself the number on the scale doesn't matter, numbers still hold power for me. They're what I'm used to when evaluating myself. Grades, weight, rankings - all numbers. All those improvements I posted above are quantifiable. Number of reps, weight of the ball or bar, height of the box, cutoff times. All numbers.

The Open, I've decided is another chance for me to move outside of the comfort zone of judging myself by numbers. At the end of 5 weeks it won't really matter if I finished in 45,000th place or 5,000th place. I still won't make it to the Regionals, so the number is irrelevant in terms of that goal. The Open is an opportunity to open yourself up to challenge and change and to what is possible when you give something your all. It can open your eyes to how much you have learned and how much you've improved and how far you still need to go. It can allow you to let your strengths shine and expose areas where you are weak. Every athlete has a different experience in the Open and competes with different goals in mind, but we all compete together. The next two weeks are sure to get more difficult and there will be more and more things I won't be able to do, but that doesn't mean I can't still try to improve myself and to realize I'm more than just my numbers.

At the end of 5 weeks I'll join the thousands of others who didn't make it to the next round and who will return to their box day after day and keep working to better themselves one day at a time. But we will have been part of something. We will have shared the collective suck that is burpees. We can reminisce about how hard it was to sit on a toilet the day after 13.3. We will talk about how cool it was seeing people PR and watching videos of Jenny LeBaw compete on one leg and know what great feats these were because we took on the same challenges. We can do all this because we all tried. We did things we never thought possible. We had the courage to push ourselves to the limit and take on seemingly impossible tasks. We faced down the unknown and unknowable. We were CrossFit Games Open athletes.

An Every Day Fight

It's been 11 months since I started CrossFit and decided to take control of my life, but that isn't where this journey began. That day was just when I decided to really start fighting for myself. When I decided to work hard, put myself first, and when realized that if I wanted to change I was going to have to make it happen. It wasn't something I could passively wish for and hope that one day things would get better. I knew from day one it was going to be tough and I would have to work harder than I'd ever worked for anything before and I knew that it was something I would have to fight for. Every day.

I wasn't just trying to look good in a bikini or lose a couple pounds, I was trying to save my life. I was terrified of how out of control things had gotten and was legitimately worried that if I didn't do something that I was headed down a road I wouldn't be able to turn back on. In the beginning it was that enormous number on the scale and the constant pain that kept me focused on making changes. It was the daily progress and constant positive feedback that kept me motivated. For the first time I was able to see results and feel like my efforts were worthwhile. I felt hopeful and hope was something I hadn't had in a long time.

Lately I haven't felt hopeful, or motivated, or like I'm making progress. I haven't felt proud of myself or like someone others should be proud of or inspired by. I have told myself several times that I never want to be the girl I was 11 months ago, but she was a lot more driven than I am now. She tried harder. She had a lot more to lose, in so many ways. She showed up and worked hard even when the task seemed impossible. She was eager and undaunted. She didn't want to give up. She was a fighter. I need to find her again. Even though I've come a long way from where started, I still have so far to go. I can't lose sight of my goals. I can't forget that I'm still fighting and that I have to fight every day. I can't blame anyone but myself or rationalize that my lack of progress is the result of anything more than a lack of focus and lackluster effort.

Me and Dad - CrossFit Athletes

I've been looking forward to my one year CrossFit anniversary almost since I started. I've thought about where I wanted to be after a  year and what I want to have accomplished. Overall I can look back and say that I've accomplished much more than I hoped for when I started, but more than that I have so much that I can be proud of. I'm proud of the progress I've made so far. I'm proud that I inspired my Dad to start CrossFit and that he is stronger and healthier now. I'm proud of my friend Jeanie who also started CrossFit at 62 and continued to change her life on her own even without CrossFit. She's lost over 80 pounds and has gotten rid of pain that has plagued her for years. My heart swells with pride for my small part in their journeys. It makes me feel like what I've done is worthwhile and has meaning beyond what it means for my life. I want to hold onto that feeling and not feel like a failure because I've made bad choices.

Jeanie and I

More than seeing a particular number on the scale or hitting a specific lift in competition, after a year of working hard I want to be happy with where I am. I want to look back without regret, without anything left on the table. I want to be a fighter and to feel strong and confident every day. I know that I can't be perfect and I know that I won't be on top of the world every day, but I want the good days to outweigh the bad. I need to remember that every day is a gift and every choice matters. I started this journey to save my life and not miss out on it anymore. I'm not working to add days to my life that aren't quality days full of hope and purpose. That kind of life is worth fighting for and I need to not forget how hard things were 11 months ago and how hard I fought to make it better. It doesn't have to be difficult, but it won't always be easy. I need to feel the struggle again and stop making the easier choice. I need to tell myself no more often. I need to be honest with myself and stop making excuses. This next month will be difficult and I look forward to fighting until I reach my goals.

Conquering Fears

I've been thinking more about fear lately and about how many things I don't fear anymore.

I remember being terrified to be in front of people for any reason, not very many years ago. I couldn't speak in front of a class of my peers without being paralyzed and shaking and forgetting my presentation. I had anxiety about standing in front of a group of 4 year-olds and teaching them a transitional song. I missed out on so much during college because I was afraid of putting myself out there. Even when I did, I was horribly uncomfortable and it took a lot of convincing before I would try it again.

I think that a big problem I had was a lack of confidence and this spilled over into many aspects of my life. As much as I loved playing music, I wasn't very successful as a musician. I knew that I wasn't as good as the other people in my studio and I think I had convinced myself that I never would be and didn't try very hard. I didn't play out confidently - this was a constant note from my professor in lessons. I didn't fully support my notes. Much like I did in life, I was trying to not be noticed when I played. I felt "less than" as a musician and I was afraid that if I played out I would make a mistake and everyone would know that I wasn't as good and that I didn't deserve to be there.

I had let myself believe all the wrong people who made me feel like I wasn't worthy. I listened to them more than the ones who loved me and believed in me. I listened to them and believed them and let what they thought of me define who I was. I don't do that anymore.

Coming to the realization that I am capable and have worthwhile things to offer has taken several years. I think the first thing that started the ball rolling was when my fraternity nominated and elected me to be president. I remember freaking out when the current president called me to ask if I was interested. I wasn't. I didn't think of myself as being that leader. At most I wanted to be the vice president. After thinking it over I stood in front of the sisterhood to tell them why I wanted to be president. Trembling, sick to my stomach, terrified. It was a tough year and I had to make a lot of hard decisions and not every one was a good one. Every week I faced the sisterhood and lead meetings. I memorized large chunks of information that I had to recite in front of everyone. I made plans and delegated responsibilities and organized events. By the end of the year I wasn't afraid of speaking in front of my friends anymore.

Another thing that helped me gain confidence was training to become a teacher. The same year I was president of my fraternity, my practicum placement was with 4 year olds. You would think that kids would be easier than adults, but this wasn't always the case. Over the next few semesters I worked in second grade, then first, and I did my student teaching in kindergarten and third grade. Each semester I gained more and more confidence in the material I presented and I was more comfortable leading the class. When I finished student teaching I was more confident in my abilities than I had ever been. I felt that I had made a great connection with my third graders and that I had made a solid contribution to their lives. I felt capable.

When I wasn't able to get a teaching job I definitely felt my confidence slip back a few notches. The next few years were difficult for me and I started to feel myself becoming that girl again. The one who was afraid and felt unworthy. The one who didn't want to be noticed. And during this time I also started to gain a lot of weight again. Funny how that happens...except not funny at all. Sad really.

When I started CrossFit I still had that mentality. I wasn't confident that I could do anything. I was afraid of getting hurt. I doubted my abilities. I didn't want people to watch me "work out" and didn't want to get in the way of the athletes doing the real work. One of my coaches described me as "apologetic." I kept coming anyway. I pushed through those fears. Slowly my coaches helped me see that I was capable and there were things I could do. They were supportive and encouraging and they believed in me, which helped me begin to believe in myself.

I still surprise myself with my courage. Since I moved I have done so many things that the old me never would have. I have dropped in at boxes in several different cities and even though I was a little nervous in each new situation, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't apologetic about my presence. I was excited to learn and take advantage of the new opportunity and proud to represent my box and my coaches by letting everyone see what I could do.

I am exploring my city a little a time, going out on my own and seeking out new adventures. I drive on giant, scary highways. Every day.

I am putting myself out there and signing up for weightlifting and CrossFit competitions where I can't hide in the back of a room and work out in solitude. I have to stand on a platform or on a makeshift competition "stage" with lots of people watching. In spandex! This is still relatively new to me and still makes me super nervous. I'm hoping the more I do it, the less it will scare me. I have 3 competitions coming up in the next 6 months.

I still have a lot to work on and there are still certain fears that hold me back. I still fear change, a little. I'm working on it. I hesitate to say that I'm fearless, because it's just not true. I am less fearful every day and I think that's a big part of my journey. Pushing my limits and kicking through those walls continuously until they no longer exist. Finding my strength when I feel weak. Seeking out happiness, even if it means making big changes. Conquering fears.

Because I Survived

Today has become a reflective day for me. Every year, instead of being sad, I try to reflect on my life and celebrate it. I definitely see life as a gift and even more so now I try to not take it for granted.

My life was changed forever on this day 9 years ago, but many more lives were changed at the same time. When I left for work on March 1, 2004 I was very excited. I was wearing one of my favorite outfits, I was getting my new car delivered that day, and because the managers were in San Antonio at a conference, I was going to be in charge all week. It was going to be a great day, but there was no indication that it would be a life changing day, not just for me but for my family and five other families.

None of us could have known that later that evening we would all be involved in a bad car accident. The parents of 3 of the kids in the other car didn't know that when they said goodbye to their child that evening it would be the last time they would speak. When my parents came to pick up their car from me and to see my new Jeep they didn't know that the next time they saw me would be as the rescue squad was cutting me out of the Jeep.

Life can change in an instant.

We're never guaranteed even the next breath.

I think a lot about the kids who died in the accident. I think about how their lives ending changed the lives of their family and everyone who knew them. I think about all the things they'll never do. They didn't get to graduate from high school, go to college, get married, have families.

 It was hard for me to admit that I was angry about the accident. What right did I have to be upset about my 2 broken legs when others had lost so much more? Even though the accident was not my fault, I felt a responsibility for the pain that it caused to my family and to the other families. I used to feel guilty because I survived.

I would ask myself: If I had left work on time, or not spent so much time in the parking lot setting up the radio, or if i had taken longer, or taken a different road... If my car hadn't been there for their car to hit, would they all still be alive? Questions like this can't be answered and you can drive yourself crazy trying. Sometimes bad things just happen. They happen for a reason, but we don't necessarily know why. I have to believe that I was meant to be in that accident and that I was meant to survive because I'm meant for something unique in this world. I'm meant to make a difference. Not that say that those who died weren't, but maybe their lives had a different purpose? This is something that I've tried to focus on and fulfill in the last 9 years.



Standing for the first time.

Sometimes I have an "It's a Wonderful Life" moment. As morbid as it seems, I have thought about how different things would have been if I had not survived. About how things could have been much worse. About how it would have effected my family. I don't dwell on this much. I only have a vague understanding of how hard it was for my family to deal with me being injured and it's painful enough to think about how hurt my sister was over losing her friends. How hard it was for her to see their empty desks in class for the rest of the year. I don't like to think about not being a part of their lives.

I try to think about what is different and what I have added to the world in the last 9 years, because I survived. I think about how I went back to school and made friends that I might not have met. I have a college degree now and I don't know that I would have been as motivated to leave my job and go back to school if the accident hadn't made me think about Ginni and Janae and Michael not having that chance.

I think about the difference I may have made for any of the 200+ children that I taught during practicum, student teaching, and at daycare. I think about how I worked with twin 11 month old babies who were newly placed in foster care and gained their trust by showing them that they were loved and that they would be comforted and cared for under my watch.

I think about how I might not be on this journey to lose weight and might not have joined CrossFit and wouldn't have a story to share that would inspire others to change their lives.

As difficult as it has been over the last 9 years and and as much pain as it caused, I don't know that I would want to change what happened to me. I do wish that no one had lost their life, but I think that I live a better, more meaningful life, now because of what I have been through. I think I am more grateful and closer to my family because of what we went through together.

They do say "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger." I am stronger because I survived.



Jamie, Sammi, and I
8 years ago on my first "Celebrating Life" Day